here’s what i know about my mother’s day: it’s probably gonna bite the big one. how do i know? well, if it’s anything like the past two years, puddn will just say, “what, you’re not my mother” and i’ll get bupkiss. i know, i’m the luckiest gal ever.
i have two kids. i pushed lulu outta my va-jay-jay after 26 hours of labor, and for wilson, i was sliced and diced open after nine months of bed rest, my insides removed (along with the baby), and then stuffed back in. so you know what? i deserve a fucking mother’s day present.
but here’s a new idea: screw the present. what i really want is to spend mother’s day alone. seriously. 24 hours all by myself. just me, myself and i. does that make me some kinda mom-asshole-sociopath? probably. so sue me.
but really, i’m sure sunday will be great. puddn and the kids will probably take me to a nice brunch. i mean, i won’t be able to eat cuz i’ll have to hold one of the kids on my lap, stop another from screaming, get oj spilled down the front of me, walk around the restaurant 52 times, and clean up a pee accident, but i’m sure it’ll be awesome. yaay, me!
so seriously, why can’t i just be left alone on my special day? on mother’s day, moms should all get a well-deserved break from their families. i’m not talking for a week…just one measly, stinkin’ day. then our families would really appreciate what we moms do. am i right or am i right?
dear god, i can picture it now: no tantrums, no kid shitting on the floor (that happened today), no one peeing on my sofa, no wiping snotty noses, no watching fucking “caillou,” no stupid “bubble song” on repeat in the car, no kids hogging the bed, no one biting my nipples (that’s actually not as fun as it sounds), no pumping milk outta my boobs, no timeouts, no threats of timeouts, no telling someone to stop biting her brother, and no cheering like a lunatic when somebody pees on the damn potty.
nope, none of that horseshit. just me. all alone. oh sweet jesus, it would be glorious.
what would i do? i have no idea. and who the fuck cares? i mean, the other day i nursed the baby while i was on the can. yes, you heard me. on. the. can. oh i know, it’s disgusting…but what would you do with a screaming, crying, maniacal baby? you’d lean your bare ass over on the pot, pick up that baby and slap him on your boob, too. anyway, the point is i’d like to be able to have two minutes to myself. just two. is that too much to ask?
so back to mother’s day. i love love love my kiddies. most people accuse me of being too obsessed with them, and i probably am. and puddn’s okay, too…at least most of the time. but if there’s a day to celebrate lil ol’ me, shaddap and let me celebrate the way i wanna. i mean, jeez.
or if you insist, fine, just take me to brunch and give me a really, really, REALLY expensive present. with a receipt.
happy mother’s day! xo
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