the infirmary

why did i open my big, fat mouth and whine about how hard it is having 2 kids? i’m an idiot…i should’ve known that things could get much, much worse—and they sure f*cking did…

first of all, puddn went out of town on vacation, i mean for work. but the idea of flying somewhere all alone, staying in a hotel, ordering room service, waking up and showering and putting on an outfit, hanging out with people who don’t sh*t their pants 10 times a day, then going out for dinner and cocktails—that doesn’t sound like work at all. it sounds like a pretty freakin’ great vacation to me.

again, i should’ve known that things were gonna get sucky cuz something happens every time puddn is lucky enough to get the hell outta dodge: lu gets sick, i get a migraine, my car breaks down, i get in a wreck (it was the other guy’s fault)…you get the idea.

well this time stinks got sick…really sick. she was a sad, snotty, slimey, crying mess for 72 hours, and then the barking cough started. woof.

i tried to keep her disgusting sick germs far away from our too-soon-to-have-an-immune-system-yet newborn baby, but yah, right. it was a nice try. even though i plopped her glassy-eyed, zoned-out tuckus in front of the TV for 3 days, she still managed to sneeze and cough all over her poor lil bro. and i swear to gawd she did it on purpose just to be an a-hole. trust me, this kids knows exactly what she’s doing.

so then ridgey got it, of course. well if you think a sick toddler sucks, try an illin’ 1-month-old. omg, it broke my heart. the poor lil guy couldn’t breathe, so he couldn’t nurse—and he just cried and cried and freaking cried. and when ridge wasn’t crying, lulu was. and when lulu wasn’t crying, i was. but mostly, it was all 3 of us bawling at the same time. yep, it was awesome.

i got exactly 2 hours of sleep the first night and 3 hours the next. you do the math on that one. i didn’t shower or wash my face the entire time. i didn’t see the light of day. i maybe brushed my teeth twice…maybe. and i wore (and slept in) the same dress the whole time. i’d love to hold one of those blacklight thingies over that dress…i’m sure every inch was covered in bodily fluids—urine, vomit, breastmilk and feces—well, everything but semen, which is the only fluid i would’ve liked to have on my dress.

and the worst part is my 2 sweet babies were both miserably sick, but who did i feel mostly sorry for? myself, of course. how pathetic is that? jesus, what kinda mom am i?

so once again it’s confirmed: clearly i’m an epic fail at this mothering of 2 thing. so if you’re at home with 2 or more little brats, for the love of god, please tell me how to do it.
thank you.