bloody saturday

little did i know when i went to bed on friday night that i’d wake up a few hours later in a huge pool of blood—the exact terrifying scene the docs warned me about. it was really freakin’ happening…

we’d been warned again and again about hemorrhaging, and of course, puddn and i weren’t ready—like at all. like 2 dumbasses.

so here’s what happened. in the middle of the night, i dreamt that i kept peeing in my pants. eventually, when i woke up, i felt a huge gush of liquid warmth down there, and thought, “omg, i’m really pissing the bed!” (not that it would’ve been the first time). but oh i wish that’s all it was. i looked down in horror at a giant bloody crime scene all over the bed.

i obviously freaked my sh*t. the docs told me i could lose too much blood and die within minutes—and trust me, it was flowing outta me.

i ran into the bathroom—leaving a huge trail of blood behind, peed in the toilet (i really did have to go), stuffed a towel between my legs (which was soaked red in seconds), and screamed for puddn that “IT’S HAPPENNNINNNNNNGGGG!!!!!”

ol’ puds was asleep in the guestroom downstairs cuz he had to wake up super-early for a golf game, and i didn’t wanna him waking my ass up. dear god, i wish i had a video of how he looked when he bolted outta the room…in his tighty-whities, so discombobulated that he ran into the wall and almost fell over.

puddn immediately called uncle gunnar (thank god the dipsh*t had his phone on at 3:51 am) and asked him to speed over to watch stinks while we booked it to the ER. that’s when i really freaked—we had to wait for him to get there and i was losing a lot of blood. every minute was wasting precious time—and i couldn’t feel the baby moving.

then lulu woke up (she was miraculously sleeping in her new big-girl bed; blog post about that to come), ran in the bathroom, gaped at all the blood and me spazzing, and started screaming. i can’t imagine what was going through her sweet lil brain, but she was scared sh*tless.

we tried calming her down, telling her everything was okay…but i don’t think me yelling, ”where the f*ck is gunnar? let’s just take her with us!” helped much. (note to self: next time we’re calling mike and judy next door. i mean, duh.) like i said, we weren’t prepared—and btw, why does everything crazy have to happen in the middle of the friggin’ night?

we waited in the car for gunnar—who ended up getting there in 30 seconds, and took off for the hospital. the good thing about it being 4 am was there were no cars on the road…though puddn still refused to go through any red lights. what a geek. jesus, would a cop really give a ticket to an 8-month pregnant chick with a bloody towel between her legs? yah, probably.

of course i shot a video on the way to the hospital. puddn asked if we could stop at “skin,” the gentleman’s club, which was still hoppin’ at 4:15 am. and i tried to figure out if i was dying…would i get light-headed? or start talking jibberish? cuz i’m pretty sure i was doing both of those things.

but we made it. puddn dumped me off at the ER, and they wheeled me up to labor and delivery, where i bled on the floor…but not as much as at home. it had slowed, thank gawd. turns out, i didn’t kick the bucket—and more importantly, the baby was a-okay.

of course, puddn was pissed he didn’t make his golf game. what a d*ck. instead, he went home and cleaned up the bloody mess.
booyah!

to be continued…

check out my video of our scary bloody saturday at the hospital on YOUTUBE!!!