if you think puddn’s obnoxious, you should see him when he’s bombed—especially at a wedding. dear god. lemme tell you that dipsh*t is lucky to be alive today cuz last night i almost killed him…
it wasn’t the first time he was a total idiot at a wedding. nope, it’s his thing. puddn just loooooves weddings. i think it’s cuz he can drink for free all night and dance (or what he thinks is dancing) like a complete moron.
about 2 years ago at a wedding in mexico (i was preggers with stinks at the time), a woman told me i’m “a saint for being married to that guy.” when my eyes followed her finger pointing to the dance floor, there was puddn in all his glory: shirtless, dripping with sweat, on his knees, and air-guitaring like a lunatic. i just shrugged…typical.
so last night my friends christy and kenny got hitched. i knew it was gonna be trouble when puddn pulled out the ol’ seersucker suit. i dunno why, but there’s something about that innocent-looking outfit that mixed with booze, turns puds into a maniac.
the transformation started during the ceremony. he giggled like a schoolgirl cuz the word “chuppah” (pronounced “hupa,” which is the canopy the bride and groom stand under during a jewish ceremony) sounded like “fupa.” if you don’t know what a fupa is, look it up. yes, he’s 38 years old, people.
then i guess he was hungry cuz before anyone else started eating, puddn made a beeline for the buffet table and grabbed a plate to dig right in…‘til the staff scolded him that dinner wasn’t starting for a while. jesus. i mean, who does that?
then when it really was time to eat, the gals decided to sit at our own table without the ding-dong dudes. but that’s when things really got outta hand. at one point during the meal, puddn made a spectacle of himself, waving over at me and yelling in his loud, hoarse voice (from 5 tables away), “janziiiiiiieeeee, i loooooove you! you’re the greaaaatest!” oh man, i knew then i was in trouble.
after dinner he whipped out his signature dance moves: what i can only describe as spazzing, air guitaring and gyrating/humping all over me. then he kept jiggling my boobs and running behind me to bounce my butt up and down. by the way, this was in the middle of a group of peeps…not even on the dance floor.
a group of strangers started dying laughing, and actually told me they felt sorry for me. pointing at my belly, one woman asked, “omg, is he the father?! wow, good luck with that!” i know, lady, oh i know.
then came the final straw. we were standing in a big group of friends when we suddenly all smelled the most horrible, reeking stench…just as puddn blurted out, “oops!” and started giggling like crazy. i think i died a little. of course all the guys thought it was hilaaaarious. why are dudes so disgusting and dumb?
i seriously tried to get someone else to take his drunk ass home when i was ready to go at 11ish, but nope, he kept slurring, “janzie, i wanna go with youuuuu.” woof. then he proceeded to stink up our whole house over the next 24 hours.
since i’m trying to look on the bright side these days, i’ll say this: no one’s ever accused puddn of being a wallflower or a snooze. nope, he’s definitely the life of every party. one of the guys last night even admitted to having a man crush on him. and at least pudsie’s not afraid to get out there and bust a move, right? i can’t freakin’ stand when guys won’t even try to boogie. i’ll take the air guitar (albeit wearing a shirt) any day over a yawner.
and fine, he did look pretty darn handsome in that dumb seersucker suit.
check out my 30-week pregnancy video where i show my baby bump and all the new baby clothes i’ve gotten on YOUTUBE!!!