puddn in the hot seat

i haven’t really written much about puddn lately, so it’s high time he got some sh*t. i decided to ask him a list of questions about my pregnancy to see how’d he’d answer them…and he was a d*ck as usual…

mom, when are you gonna learn...if you ask dumb questions, you get dumb answers. especially from dad.

i got the idea from my friend cari’s baby shower a few weeks ago. her hubs was asked a list of “newlywed game”-like questions, and as we listened to his answers (which were all nice and sweet since he’s not a raging a-hole), my friend carolyn leaned over to me and whispered, “i wonder how your dipsh*t husband would do at this game.”

and just like that, a blog post was born. my sister weezie helped write the trivia questions, and i videotaped puddn’s answers—you know, for evidence. pudsie’s lil cousin, alyssa, was our adorably tough interviewer who yelled at him when he answered like a big jerk.

WATCH the whole interview here…or be lame and just read some of the highlights:

what food is janz craving?
PUDDN:  “pretzels and chocolate chips and ice cream and ham and pizza…and…”
(clearly he’s insinuating i’ve been eating a lot of junk, that d*ck. but i’m mostly craving peaches…okay fine, and chocolate and potato chips. and the other day, i actually ate straight salt. yes, i know that’s disgusting. but some knocked-up chicks crave bizarre stuff, like dirt or rubber, so sue me if i wanna lick a lil salt.)

hey, ma, i've got something salty for you right here!

how much do you think janz weighs?
PUDDN:  “are we talking about janz, or are we talking about janz and her butt? cuz they’re 2 different things.”

(can you believe that jackhole? yes, by now everyone knows my butt has ballooned into a bonafide budonkodonk. well what the poop am i supposed to do about it? i’m not allowed to work out…sh*t, i’m not even allowed to walk. well, i guess i could stop eating so much chocolate and salt. but come on, who are we kidding? i’m preggers, people. so i’m sorry, puddn, but you gotta deal with my junk in the trunk, at least for a coupla more months.)

sorry, but it's true...mama got a big ol' butt, oh yah!

so how much weight has she gained?
PUDDN:  “i dunno, she used to weigh like 35 pounds when i first met her…she was like a small, 8-year-old boy. but now she’s gained a lot of weight…in her…”

(yah, we all know he was gonna say “in her butt.” but i really wanted to see how much he thought i weighed before i got knocked up. and for the record, i most certainly did not look like a small boy when we met…okay, maybe a teenage boy. but wait, then why was puddn so attracted to me back then? hmmmm….)

what body part on janz has swollen the most?
PUDDN:  “well obviously her stomach’s gotten bigger…followed by her butt.”

(okay, we get it. i’ve got a bubble booty. so can we drop it now? jeesh.)

look at me, mama, i look preggers, too!

on a scale of 1 to 10, how hormonal and irritable is janz?
PUDDN:  “she’s a 1; she isn’t very irritable.”

(well at least he admits that. personally, i think the ingrate needs to get down on his f*cking knees and thank god that i’m the easiest preggers gal to deal with in history…especially considering what a pain in the caboose it’s been so far. and you know what? puddn is actually the irritable grump…i’d say about an 8. and even my lil stinks is about a 4.7 when she’s being a lil sh*t.)

who are you callin' irritable?

name 1 thing you wish you could change about janz.
PUDDN:  “that’s a trick question and i refuse to answer it…cuz there isn’t anything i would change about her…she’s the most perfect person i’ve ever met.”

(um, does anyone else remember what the big liar said the last time i asked that question? that my eyes are too freakin’ close together?!? and then he made up that dumb story to try to make himself look like less of a gigantic d*ckhead in his own stupid blog.)

hey, dad, mom just brought up the eye sitch again...looks like you're in trouble.
come on, ma, you gotta admit, it's kinda funny.

do you want to have a big family bed where the whole family sleeps together?
PUDDN:  “NO! i wanna have my bed, MY bed…just me and my wife, my sweet sweet sweet wife.”

(man, he’s really trying to butter me up. well tough titties, dude…i think i want lulu to stay in the bed, and when the baby is a few months old, he can join us. weeee!)

wait, you're not really kicking me outta your bed, are you?
oooh you were joking...ha! good one!

what’s your favorite body part on janz now that she’s pregnant?
PUDDN:  “her uh…(long pause)…her stomach. it’s really…pretty.”

(pretty? yah, right.)

what do you think will be the nickname for the baby?
PUDDN:  “quattrooooo…i’ll just call him ‘quat.’ what up, quat?”.

(idiot.)

what does janz complain about the most?
PUDDN:  “her feet.” (rudely mimic-ing me.) “my feeeeeet! my huge varicose vein that’s popping through. waaah!”

(omg. when puddn sneezes twice in a day, he thinks he’s got the flu. and dear lord, if he’s hungover or sore from working out, he acts like he’s on death’s door. how dare he rag on me when he’s such a baby!)

how long was janz in labor with stinks?
PUDDN:  “28 hours. i was in just as much pain as janz was—emotionally—with her as she was going through all that.”

(oh my gawd. i swear he tried to hog all the attention the full 26 hours i was in labor. doesn’t that sound just like puddn?)

in 1 word, describe lu’s birth.
PUDDN:  “awesome…and you know, kinda disgusting at the same time…there are a lot of things you see there that i wish i wouldn’t have….”

(who wants to see the birth video?!? anyone??? i promise, it’s amazing! i can edit out the gory parts if you want.)

daddy, why do you look like you're gonna throw up? i thought you said it was "awesome?"
okay, that's more like it!
um, why does he look worse than my mom does? she did all the work!
and what about me? you try squeezing your entire body inside a garden hose and tell me how that feels.
omg, look how f*cking cuuuuute i was!

what size are janzie’s boobs?
PUDDN:  “that’s an inappropriate question and i won’t answer that…they’re probably Ds or somethin’.”

(what was really inappropriate was when he held his hands up to show the giant size of my nipples. again, rude.)

on a scale of 1 to 10, how sexy do you think janz’s body is?
PUDDN:  “it’s like an 11…(sarcastically) it’s really, really sexy…super, super sexy…you can’t bait me. that’s a trick question.”

(okay, i’ll choose to believe that!)

29 weeks preggers and counting...and hiding my butt.

and there you have it…i know, i was waaaaay too easy on him. lemme know if you think of any other really good questions, and we’ll do a sequel!
thanks!
xo

isaac, you won't say mean things about me when we're married, right?
hey, look at me when i'm talking to you, babes!
sometimes i don't know whether to strangle you or kiss your face off!
fine, let's make out! just don't tell my mom!
oh no, my parents are crazaaaaaay!

CHECK OUT the whole interview with puddn on YOUTUBE!!! and my new vlog series!

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have you seen puddn’s dumb new “my wife lies” blog post? he gives his stupid side of the story about the red solo cups! ridiculous!

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This entry was posted in baby names, curse words, cursing baby, discipline baby, f bombs, first-time mom, frat dude, husband, i love you, invitro fertilization, IVF, male body hair, neurotic mom, new father, nipples, obsessive compulsive, OCD, pregnancy, pregnant at 40, tantrums, terrible twos, the bachelor, toddler who curses and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.
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