bloody hell

yesterday my high-risk doc scared the living sh*t outta me. as puddn and i walked outta the office, i asked if he was ready to be a single dad to 2 kids—after i bleed to death…

come on, mom! bounce on the trampoline with me...the baby will love it!

yep, that’s what the doc said could happen. apparently this stupid placenta previa crap is nothing to sneeze at. in fact, it’s a “life-threatening situation.” i’m not making this sh*t up; those were his exact, freaking words.

dr. williams made it totally clear i canNOT go into labor ‘til my c-section date, which is either september 27 or 28 cuz there’s a chance i could “exsanguinate.” again, his exact word…which incidentally means bleed to death. yes, you heard me. bleed. TO DEATH. (jesus, i hope my mom doesn’t read this post.)

but seriously, what. the. F*CK?!?

it’s funny how docs can tell you info like that in such a nonchalant, matter-of-fact kinda way. he was like, “at this point, the baby would most likely survive, but there’s a possibility you would exsanguinate.” um, come again?

now believe it or not, i’m no idiot (shaddap, puddn), and the french major in me knew that “sang” means blood…and “ex” is to leave or delete. so i kinda realized what he was saying…but of course, i asked him to explain anyway: “well, you would bleed to death.” but hey, at least the baby would probably make it, right? way to look on the bright side, doc. gee, thanks.

but fine, i guess he needed to prepare me for the worst that could happen. and to scare me into taking it really easy. i’m under strict orders not to lift sh*t and no walking, no nuttin’ (’specially since i’m already having contractions…yikes). and i need a plan if puddn’s at work and i start gushing blood down my legs. easy enough: 9-1-1.

apparently, in the olden days, it would just be a matter of weeks ‘til both the baby and i kicked the bucket. i’d go into labor, but baby boy clancey wouldn’t be able to get out cuz the stinkin’ placenta’s blocking the way. so i’d hemorrhage to death and take down the baby right along with me. kinda crazy, right?

most placenta previa sitches correct themselves by the time the baby comes, but mine’s the lucky -1 percent that won’t. in true puddn style at my last appointment, he asked the doc if he should “get all up in there and try to move it around” himself. sorry, ladies, he’s all mine…well, unless i bite the dust. and btw, when i asked what he’s gonna do if i die, he said, “the kids and i will probably have a lot more parties.” typical.

aaanyway, hence the c-section. and i really wanted a totally natural childbirth this time around. i had a strict no-epidural birth plan the first time, but at 8 centimeters dilated, i wimped out (screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to “heeeeelp meeeee!”) and got one. (that’s a story for another post though.) but i just i know i could’ve done it this time…2nd babies are supposed to fly out like a greased pig. (sigh) oh well. on a positive note, my va-jayjay’s totally psyched it won’t need to be ripped and stitched again. oops, tmi?

but even if i make it to 38 weeks without “exsanguinating,” there’s still the riskier-than-usual c-section. this morning, my regular ob/gyn said i might wanna start asking friends and fam to donate blood for the possible blood transfusion i’ll need. um, say what? okay, am i being punk’d now?

nope, she told me all about a similar placenta previa patient who lost half her blood on the operating table—in FIVE f*cking minutes. soooo, anyone O+ out there with an extra coupla pints?

but i swear to gawd i’m not panicking. i’m actually cool as a cucumber. of course i’ve made a coupla jokes to puddn, who’s like, “i knew you’d freak out, janz…you’ve gotta be dramatic, just like a typical chick.” what a d*ck…and this is coming from the guy who claims he’s on his deathbed every time he has the sniffles or a hangover.

all i know is i’m really gonna be pissed if i die—cuz i gotta live long enough to punish this kid for putting me through all this melarky. god damn, he better be f*cking worth it.

come ON, mama! get off your ass and let's run around this place!
jeez, every other kid at kidnasium has a fun parent...mine sucks.
um, just talking about blood gushing from your hoo-ha makes me wanna gag.
so if you croak, you mean daddy's gonna take care of me? great, i'm f*cked.
lord knows that lazy bum would never make me a yummy smoothie.
man, i guess i gotta learn how to do this myself.
damn, i made some good sh*t. okay, mom, you can kick it now.
awww, i'm juuuuust kidding!
can i help it that i'm f*cking hilarious!
oh wait, did i cross the line? well guess who i learned that from?
what does it mean when daddy says i'm gonna have a new, smokin' hot, young mommy?
oh please, with all that body fur plus the balding head? i'd like to see him try.
don't worry...i'll make his life hell when i'm a teenager.
but seriously, you're gonna be fine, right, mama?
but if you do bleed to death, can i have those gold earrings i like to try on?
looks like i'm getting new earrings!!! weeeeeee!!!

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5 Responses to bloody hell

  1. Danielle says:

    I’m O+ good for you, bad for me. Apparently I can donate to anyone but only get O+ if needed. If they can ship blood from NY to CA you can totally have some of mine! I donate all the time! Good luck with everything!

    • Janet says:

      yep, we’re the universal donors! but we can only get O+ if we need blood. but i think it’s really common, so that’s good. hopefully, i’ll have enough (and won’t even need any!), but thank youuuuu! xo

  2. delighted kate says:

    I don’t even know what blood type i am. but if i’m O+ i’m getting my arse over to your part of the world and pumping out a gallon of my blood.
    :(

  3. Christine says:

    I’m O+…but I live in Canada. If there was any way for me to ship my blood to you, I totally would! I donate blood every 2 months anyway, so it would be nice to know exactly who I’m donating to. I think we can receive both O+ and O- (which is good for all blood types).

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