knocked-up top 12

today i got one of those annoying emails i signed up for that tell me about my pregnancy. this was “the 12 things you miss most during pregnancy.” most of it was totally stupid, duh. so i decided to make my own list. here goes…

jesus, is this bitch compaining again?

working out
here’s the truth: i’m a fat whale. just ask puddn…oh yah, he’ll tell you. just like he told me the other day how “different” i look this pregnancy. i mean, i can’t really be pissed at him (for once) cuz he’s right. the prob is i’m not allowed to exercise. period. nuttin’. so yes, i’m fat. f*ck you, placenta previa.

when i was preggers wtih lu...doing the splits at 9 months.

my butt
let’s be honest…i’ve always had bit of a bubble butt. but this wide-load budonkudonk is freaking insane. it looks like i’m carrying the baby in my ass. once again, puddn can vouch for it.

short dresses
when you’re not allowed to work out and your butt is the size of texas, trust me, you shouldn’t wear anything above the cankle. and don’t even get me started on the spider veins. my legs look like a freakin’ road map printed on cottage cheese.

caffeine
i f*cking love coffee. oh mama, i mix that sh*t with loads of milk and sugar, so it’s more like coffee ice cream, but god damn, i love it. and i haven’t had a stinkin’ cup in over a year. (sigh)

hiding the salami
this might be t.m.i. (but then again, that’s my middle name), but because of this stupid placenta previa, puddn and i are strictly forbidden to pork. do you know how long pregnancy is? btw, when i asked puds what he thought i should put on this list, he said, “my dork. list that twice.” captain romance, y’all.

booze
‘nuff said. i should list that one twice.

booze
see above.

my nipples
when i was a kid, i wondered why all those tribal women’s boobs in “national geographic” looked like well, you know, “national geographic” boobs. well now mine look exactly like that—‘cept i wear a (freakin’ D-cup) bra. but my nips…dear god. they’re dark brown and gigantic. and i mean gigantic. and dark brown. apparently they’re supposed to get this way so the fuzzy-sighted new baby can see where he’s going to get milk. but i swear to god, stevie wonder could find his way to suckle on these things.

eating raw
every idiot knows you can’t eat sushi when you’re preggers, but that doesn’t mean i don’t want it. for breakfast. puddn and i had really cut back cuz too much sushi-eating is depleting our fish supply, but f*ck, i want iiiiiiiiiit. and jesus, what i wouldn’t do for a stinkin’ turkey sangwich. but noooo, no deli meats either. plus no gluten, natch. all i can say is thank god for peaches.

not peeing every 5 minutes
i guess my bladder’s really jammed up in there cuz i gotta wizz every few minutes. i’ll pee the second before i leave the house to go somewhere, and by the time i get in the car, i gotta go again. oh, and being incontinent is fun, too. every time i sneeze, i pee in my undies. it’s awesome!

snoozing
first i have to sleep on my left side, so i don’t smoosh the vena cava (the big vein in my back) so the baby can get enough nutrients. then i gotta roll my fat ass outta bed to pee about 4 times a night. and you people wonder why i have bags under my eyes.

my feet
i literally have sores and blisters on my feet just from standing. it’s so repulsive. by the end of the day, they hurt so badly i can barely walk. but i just don’t get it. even with all the poundage i’ve packed on, 135 lbs isn’t exactly obsese (though i’m only 5′ 3″ so it clearly seems like more)…so wtf? as puddn said tonight with a stupid smirk on his face, “look on the bright side, babes. you only have 2 months left.” sometimes i hate him.

well there you have it. i hate to complain (yah, right), but i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: for all the trouble this baby boy’s given me already, he better be f*cking awesome.

what's wrong, mama? do you wanna talk about it? please say no.
isaac, do me a solid and tell my mom she looks pretty.
dude, you're a f*cking horrible liar.
don't worry, mom. i'll take care of the lil asshole when he's born.
look, i'm practicing for when he gets here!
um, i'll always be your favorite though, right?
whaddaya mean, i'm your favorite girl? i'm your only girl!
don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you should eat more berries and fewer chips. your butt will thank me.
or just exercise like this!
you're jealous of my gorgeous legs, aren't you? that's kinda sick, you know.
don't worry, mommy. i love your crazy, fat ass.

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One Response to knocked-up top 12

  1. Kristin says:

    WOW do I ever agree with these. I’m 31 weeks prego with my first; also a boy. My pelvis and sacrum have separated making it a challenge to walk, so no f-ing way I can work out. I’ve been blessed with thunder thighs and a larger donkey bootie than I ever thought possible. Only gained 18/ish so far… seemingly all belly, bootie and thighs. Sexy. I totally agree about the booze. Damn, I miss wine. I do have a “wine bank” which I would HIGHLY recommend. Every time I have a day or an event which would typically result in me indulging in a glass of wine (or three), I write it down on a post-it note, and put it in a piggy bank in my wine cellar. After this little dude is born, and I’m once again able to imbibe, I’ll randomly pull out an event I need to drink away. :-) It’s the little things.
    Hang in there!

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