tummy troubles

we had an amazingly fun week at our house—if you consider 5 days of barfing and sh*t squirts to be a good time. i wish it was puddn or myself who was illin’ (nah, i only wish it was puddn), but it was our poor, sweet stinky…

jesus, are you talking about my diarrhea again?

it all started the night after lu’s 2nd birthday bash…with the poops. i figured it was from all the gluten-y goldfish she stuffed in her face when i wasn’t looking. note to self: don’t serve gluten at your kid’s party if you don’t want her to eat it. i=dumbass.

but next up was chunk-blowing. i blamed the crappy-ass breakfast we ate (puddn always wants to hit up j. nichols kitchen, probably just cuz i think it sucks…and he’s a jerk). clearly lu didn’t like her omelette either cuz she spewed it all over our bed. yah, that was awesome.

but then stinks was fine for the rest of the day, munching on dry, gluten-free toast and crackers…so i gave her a regular dinner. again, what a dumbass…she puked it right back up. but it was almost worth it to see dipsh*t uncle gunnar on his hands and knees scrubbing chicken and avocado off the carpet.

the next day was the 4th of july, and stinks seemed better, so like last year, the 3 of us got decked in red, white and blue star-spangledness (trust me, we looked f*cking cute). but as we left for the main street parade in santa monica, lu booted toast all over puddn’s red gingham shirt. thanks for ruining the 4th, stinks. the only fireworks we heard were the ones that shot outta her butt.

before kid(s) and marriage...weren't these losers cute?

the doc said to give her a sip of liquid every 20 minutes, but no food. the poor baby was literally begging us to feed her…omg, it was horrible. the weirdest part was she kept asking for salad, seaweed and peanut butter. i know, only my kid.

jesus, this is a long story. ok, i’ll wrap it up.

the next morning, marinky horked again—and this time i totally lost my sh*t. i picked up my barf-covered lil girl and bawled like a baby myself. she was turning into skin and bones, and without any food for days, she was zoned-out and lethargic, a whimpering mess in my arms.

i raced her to the doc who said to keep on keepin’ on like we were doing…and still no food. f*ck. she’d already lost 4 lbs, which is pretty freaking scary when she was only 28 lbs to start. i felt so helpless…why couldn’t i make my baby better?

luckily, lu didn’t yack again, and her poops got harder the next day…phew. she’s still gotta pack on the pounds, but the good news is we’re never going to j. nichols again.

um, are skinny jeans supposed to be baggy?
hey, just cuz i'm sick doesn't mean my outfit shouldn't match.
i know...i look pretty f*cking fabulous for a barfbag.
it's called sun protection. i don't want my face turning into a wrinkled prune like my mom's.
whoa, low blood sugar...maybe someone should carry me.
whaddaya mean my dress is too short?
uh, have you seen how hot my skinny legs look?
maybe i'll get more modeling jobs now! juuuust kidding, ma!
now that i'm feeling better, can you believe i've gotta cook my own meals?
at least it'll be better than my mom's cooking.
but my mom's really happy that i'm eating again.
thanks for making the salad i've been craving, mommy!
oy, my jeans are gonna be too tight after this.
daddy's new facial hair is kinda making me feel sick again.
seriously, someone get a bucket.
man, i'm gonna miss all that special attention i got when my butt was blowing up.
if i still act sick, maybe they'll keep carting my ass around.
ha! suckers!

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This entry was posted in 1 in 133, baby model, birthday party, celiac disease, cursing baby, f bombs, first-time mom, frat dude, gluten, gluten-free, husband, i love you, neurotic mom, OCD, pregnancy, pregnant at 40, sick baby, toddler who curses and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to tummy troubles

  1. Kelli says:

    Man, Lu is having a rough few weeks. Poor thing. Her dinner looked delish! I love roasted cauliflower! What was that bean mixture? Beans and fig?

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