to snip or not to snip?

since i’m having a boy, people keep asking if he’s gonna get circumcised or not. well jesus, like i wanna make that freakin’ decision. but i’ve been researching the pros and cons of clipping the tip, and they ain’t pretty…

i double-dong dare you to wear this.

i’ve actually never seen an uncut penis up close and personal…or even from far away, for that matter. i remember looking at one in a “playgirl” in college, and asking what the f*ck was wrong with the guy’s dong. it looked like it was wearing a turtleneck.

but now my kid might be sporting a hoodie on his dork. i’ve been googling images of untrimmed tallywhackers like crazy. (you should try it sometime…it’s kinda fun.) i started when my friend john told me to research phimosis of the wiener. he suggested snipping…apparently there’s a much lower chance of getting an STD. well that’s definitely one big plus. and my friend melanie got her son clipped because she was worried that no girl would ever want to give him a bj. now that’s a good mom.

i wish it was an easy decision, like we had to do it cuz of our religion. (btw, did you hear that a german court just banned circumcision for religious reasons?) i’ve been to my fair share of brisses back in nyc. but come on, who could pay attention to the baby’s dingaling when there were nice jewish guys with already circumcised ding-dongs to flirt with—or better yet, free bagels and mimosas?

but this circumcision thing is making me nuts, so to speak. my doc says there are upsides and downsides to both. hygiene’s not really an issue these days…it’s mostly just a matter of preference. in fact, she has one brother who is and one who isn’t, and they’re both happy with their schlongs. so how the hell am i supposed to decide what to do?

most people say to do what the dad has…so since puddn’s johnson’s been snipped, i should automatically clip my baby’s, too? what if he grows up and wants his foreskin back? and cutting it has gotta hurt the baby, right? ugh. i don’t wanna inflict pain on my dinky winky (no pun intended) bambino. and what if the doc botches it? i mean, that happens (do yourself a favor and don’t google those images).

i’m pretty sure the u.s. is the only country where it’s a huge issue. the rest of the world doesn’t trim the turtle, unless it’s for religious reasons. i had my mom ask my aunt in sicily, and she said no one there does it…so every guy has a dick in a sleeve. my kid will fit right in when puddn and i move to europe! weeeee!

on the other hand, if we snip, i could totally sell it online. haven’t you heard foreskin is big biz these days? one tiny piece can be used as a culture to grow cells worth $100,000 used in skin cream—or to make injectible collagen. true story, i swear. oprah’s a huge fan of skinmedica, a hotsy-totsy cream that uses foreskin. bizarre. too bad you can’t get the same result by just rubbing the foreskin on your face.

elaine benis from “seinfeld” nailed it when she said, “i don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.” it’s true…vaginas are such a cinch. all you have to remember is to wipe front to back, bada bing, bada boom.

but apparently more and more parents are opting to keep the purple helmet covered these days. so my kid probably won’t be the only one in the locker room whose dork looks like an aardvark…i hope. and i hear that an uncut pecker is a lot more sensitive, which would be more fun for him. though it’s kinda weird to think about my son’s sex life when he’s not even born yet.

puddn and i both agree (for once) that we don’t want the baby snipped. i don’t know what we’ll end up doing, but i do know that one day the lil dick will probably hate me for this post.

what's all this stuff i hear about snipping? am i getting a haircut?
eeeew, lil bro's gonna have one of those long duck dong things?
hey, i don't need a dumb trouser snake to be a boy!
besides, i hear they're monsters...icky one-eyed monsters!
i can be a cute boy...dontcha wanna just pinch my cheeks?
who needs that new kid? daddy, i can be the boy you've always wanted.
what are you lookin' at? boys play with dolls, too.
hey, rosie, let's go cruisin' for chicks!
here, have a sip of my brewski.
we're drinkin' buddies, right, daddy?
be honest, this isn't my best look, is it?
now this is more like it...boy clothes are so dumb.
hmmm...i wonder if that kid's been snipped?
or what about that guy? he looks well trimmed.
now that dude's definitely got an unsharpened pencil.
now no one can tell i'm checkin' out keilbasas!
no, sir...i'm not lookin' at your package. ooops.

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17 Responses to to snip or not to snip?

  1. Samantha says:

    As a mom of girls, I’m no help. Just want to say I loooove Lulu’s hat and dress!

  2. Kayser says:

    OMG-I’m literally spitting out my wine laughing at this post. Damn lady, your captions are hysterical!!

  3. Anabel says:

    Okay so two things- a con and a pro:

    Con first: my nephew was uncut as a baby and I’m not sure what, EXACTLY happened- I think I was too traumatized for him at the time, but at 13 he had to go in and get it snipped after all… poor guy. It had something to do with the foreskin no allowing his penis to pop its head out so as he was getting teenage boners it was really hurting him. Plus it was causing infections… ouch!

    Pro: my very good friend Eddie is Cuban and gay and my hubby and I were talking about dicks with him once and he says that an uncut man’s schlong is at least ten times more sensitive than a cut one… so good for when he wants to get it on as a grown-up. Just sayin’…

    Good luck with your decision!

    • Janet says:

      omg! your poor nephew probably had phimosis…that’s what my friend told me to google! oh man, poor kid!!! :( and i’ve heard the same thing about the sensitivity. it’s so weird to think about the sex life of a baby who’s not even born yet! :) thanks so much for your comment!!! xo

  4. Steph J says:

    First off, the thing about the STDs is false. They are no more likely to catch something than a guy with a cut wanker.

    Secondly, there have been several studies linking ED to circumcision (due to the loss of sensitivity). I mean, think about it… if something that was meant to have a covering is uncovered and rubbing against (relatively) rough surfaces like cloth all the time, your going to toughen it up to the point of losing some sensation, right? Can you even imagine if the girl bits-equivalent were exposed to that type of stimulation constantly? Eesh.

    Good for you for not wanting to snip the little man. My son is uncut, and any other boys I have will be as well. I have a hard time removing something that nature put there for a reason (not to mention the horror stories of circumcisions gone wrong). Plus, as you mentioned, it’s become such a controversy recently, by the time our boys are teenagers, it will be much close to ‘the norm’ than it is now.

    • Janet says:

      yep, that totally makes sense. i have friends who tell me i have to get him snipped, but i’m dead-set on not doing it–for all the reasons you listed. thanks so much for the comment! :)

  5. Olivia says:

    speaking of sex life.. girls will think it’s gross when it comes time to.. you know.. :( i’d feel bad for the kid

    • Janet says:

      lol…well, it’s now 50/50 in california, so by the time he’s ready to…you know, it’ll be more “normal” not to be snipped. at least i hope! :)

  6. I love your blog- you tell it like it is and make me laugh every time I visit! I can’t believe that shirt at the beginning of the post- that is awesome! And your baby girl- so precious! I hope she is all healed from hand, foot and mouth!

    • Janet says:

      thanks so much! i know…can you believe that shirt? amazing. and yep, lu’s all healed. thanks again! :)

  7. Barbara Cunningham says:

    Janet, Emmett’s not snipped and he seems to be ok. Granted, he is only 11 weeks. But he’s staying this way forever. I’ve already told him. No more growing up.

    • Janet says:

      ha! i just told stinks the same thing this morning…noooo more growing! and damn, if i knew he wasn’t snipped, i would’ve checked out his thing on sunday! :)

  8. Rosie says:

    love your blog! you’re hilarious! <3
    check out : http://cirp.org/pages/anat/
    the page has some info on uncircumcised penises. basically it tells you why not to snip :D

  9. Karen says:

    Being surrounded by males here (7 sons,that’s my karma apparently), I have comments from one of my teenage boys. We have had lively discussions here, especially when we have a new baby boy (I do foster care and take special needs kids). All the boys now are uncircumcised. While no one has to worry about cleaning a little boys peepee, it’s a completely different matter with a special needs teenager or adult. No one wants to think about that, but that is a reality for many (and you never know when that will be you). We were in the middle of a hot circumcision debate, my then 16 year old son pipes up, “Hey ladies, glad you are so interested in this little guys penis, but let’s look at something you can really relate to. When you go in to purchase a freezer or oven, what do you look for? Which one do you end up buying? I’m thinking you all are more interested in the “self clean model”, am I right? Or are you a little old fashioned and want to clean that appliance all the time? How many teenage boys do you know and how clean are they anyway? Well, I have to say I am all for the self clean model. Glad I have that. Thanks, Mom.”
    He’s always been a thoughtful kid, but I was truly impressed and surprised.. After giving it some more thought, we did end up getting another son circumcised. It is always a hard decision, but that teenager’s words left an impression.

  10. Karen says:

    Another thing all my older and neurologically intact boys said was, “seriously, there’s plenty of feeling there!” Who are these people that keep saying we needed foreskin?” It’s a funny irreverent group I have here.

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