since i’m having a boy, people keep asking if he’s gonna get circumcised or not. well jesus, like i wanna make that freakin’ decision. but i’ve been researching the pros and cons of clipping the tip, and they ain’t pretty…
i’ve actually never seen an uncut penis up close and personal…or even from far away, for that matter. i remember looking at one in a “playgirl” in college, and asking what the f*ck was wrong with the guy’s dong. it looked like it was wearing a turtleneck.
but now my kid might be sporting a hoodie on his dork. i’ve been googling images of untrimmed tallywhackers like crazy. (you should try it sometime…it’s kinda fun.) i started when my friend john told me to research phimosis of the wiener. he suggested snipping…apparently there’s a much lower chance of getting an STD. well that’s definitely one big plus. and my friend melanie got her son clipped because she was worried that no girl would ever want to give him a bj. now that’s a good mom.
i wish it was an easy decision, like we had to do it cuz of our religion. (btw, did you hear that a german court just banned circumcision for religious reasons?) i’ve been to my fair share of brisses back in nyc. but come on, who could pay attention to the baby’s dingaling when there were nice jewish guys with already circumcised ding-dongs to flirt with—or better yet, free bagels and mimosas?
but this circumcision thing is making me nuts, so to speak. my doc says there are upsides and downsides to both. hygiene’s not really an issue these days…it’s mostly just a matter of preference. in fact, she has one brother who is and one who isn’t, and they’re both happy with their schlongs. so how the hell am i supposed to decide what to do?
most people say to do what the dad has…so since puddn’s johnson’s been snipped, i should automatically clip my baby’s, too? what if he grows up and wants his foreskin back? and cutting it has gotta hurt the baby, right? ugh. i don’t wanna inflict pain on my dinky winky (no pun intended) bambino. and what if the doc botches it? i mean, that happens (do yourself a favor and don’t google those images).
i’m pretty sure the u.s. is the only country where it’s a huge issue. the rest of the world doesn’t trim the turtle, unless it’s for religious reasons. i had my mom ask my aunt in sicily, and she said no one there does it…so every guy has a dick in a sleeve. my kid will fit right in when puddn and i move to europe! weeeee!
on the other hand, if we snip, i could totally sell it online. haven’t you heard foreskin is big biz these days? one tiny piece can be used as a culture to grow cells worth $100,000 used in skin cream—or to make injectible collagen. true story, i swear. oprah’s a huge fan of skinmedica, a hotsy-totsy cream that uses foreskin. bizarre. too bad you can’t get the same result by just rubbing the foreskin on your face.
elaine benis from “seinfeld” nailed it when she said, “i don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.” it’s true…vaginas are such a cinch. all you have to remember is to wipe front to back, bada bing, bada boom.
but apparently more and more parents are opting to keep the purple helmet covered these days. so my kid probably won’t be the only one in the locker room whose dork looks like an aardvark…i hope. and i hear that an uncut pecker is a lot more sensitive, which would be more fun for him. though it’s kinda weird to think about my son’s sex life when he’s not even born yet.
puddn and i both agree (for once) that we don’t want the baby snipped. i don’t know what we’ll end up doing, but i do know that one day the lil dick will probably hate me for this post.
check out my video on being 24 weeks preggers on YOUTUBE!!! and my new vlog series!