puddn’s 1-2 punch

i dunno what’s more offensive: a) the fact that puddn didn’t know my middle name the other day, or b) that he caught a glimpse of my nekked preggers body and pretended to gag. i know, i married a d*ckhead…

jeez, even this guy knows my freakin' middle name.

for the record, my middle name’s marie…puddn knows this, or at least he should, right? especially since we had this same conversation about a year ago—i was so pissed at him about it back then you’d think he’d remember. so either he’s a complete idiot or he just doesn’t give a rat’s ass. either way, waah.

so he guessed maria, mary and marielle (which is lu’s real name) first, and then that dim bulb lit up as he yelled, “marie!” i wonder how many other husbands don’t know their wife’s middle name? but until recently, he didn’t even know my cell phone number. “babes, why do i need to know your number? it’s programmed in my phone!”

as our idiot friend ryan likes to remind me me, “janz, you knew what you were getting into before you married him.”

but gagging at the sight of my pregnant body? now that’s just downright mean…even if he claims he was only teasing. fine, he did giggle, “booyah,” and then try to high-five me—the telltale signs that he’s joking. but jeez, he knows i’m feeling like total poo poo these days.

when i was knocked up with stinks, i felt f*cking fabulous the whole time. and strangers were always telling me how beautiful, gorgeous and glowing i looked. but um, clearly not this time around.

is it cuz i’m having a boy? or the fact that i haven’t been allowed to work out? well whatever it is, it blows.

okay, i gotta admit, if puddn suddenly gained 20 lbs (and mostly in his butt) and sprouted cankles, saddlebags, spider veins, skin tags all over him, i might not be too psyched about it either. and let’s not forget about my now-gigantic nipples that are turning a lovely shade of dark chocolate brown. btw, why the hell does that happen?

but given my raging hormones and how crazily sensitive i am these days (omg, i bawl in the car at least once every day to some sappy-ass song), puddn should know better to act like he’s upchucking when he sees me lubing up my giant, ballooning belly with coconut oil. which btw, he used to rub on me with i was preggers with lu. hrumph.

in the end, it’ll all be worth it when i have a sweet lil baby boy in my flabby arms. and you know what? puddn will still be covered in all that icky body hair. booyah to that.

look me in the eye...and tell me i have a cute butt.
you are a sweet, sweet dude, unlike my dad.
i always knew you were a gentleman and a scholar. now kiss me, you fool.
see, mama, this is how daddy should treat you.
"actually, lu, you're kinda getting thunder thighs."
"omg, i'm totally kiddin', babes!"
men...they're all the same.
don't worry, mama, one day you'll look as good as i do in skinny jeans again.
oh let's be real, you'll never look this good.
i mean, have you seen how adorable my butt looks?
oh oops, am i being mean, too?
i can make a wish on this thing?
i wish my daddy wasn't such a d*ck sometimes.
i know my wish will never come true!
oh my poor mommy!

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This entry was posted in curse words, cursing baby, f bombs, first-time mom, frat dude, husband, i love you, IVF, male body hair, neurotic mom, new father, nipples, OCD, pregnancy, pregnant at 40, toddler who curses and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to puddn’s 1-2 punch

  1. Christine says:

    Oh my goodness! Lu’s butt in those skinny jeans couldn’t get any cuter!

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