stir crazy

we already have a nickname for the new baby: lil sh*t. he’s only a 15-week-old fetus, and he’s already causing way too much trouble. thanks to his antics, my ass is still on freakin’ bed rest…

lemme guess...the b*tch is in bed again?

i know i should thank my lucky stars. the lil sh*t’s still kickin’ around, and i’m allowed to sit on my ass at home for a few weeks. things could be a lot worse. but the doc actually threatened to throw me and my uterus in the damn hospital if get outta bed other than to hit the can. oy.

but it’s not exactly a friggin’ vacation. it’s boring as sh*t to lie in bed all day and night. there are so many things i could/should be doing (writing a book, writing thank you notes, organizing pics, writing in lu’s journal, finishing lu’s baby book), and of course, now’s the time to do them. i mean, i have all the f*cking time in the world. but the prob is i’m still too lazy. jesus, how pathetic is that?

and man, i’ve learned that you get really fat when you’re just lying around all day. i don’t think i’ve burned a calorie in weeks. i mean, i know the point is to get fatter in the belly area, but does it really have to be everywhere else, too? ugh, that part blows.

but i’m trying to make the most of it. i’ve been reading lots of magazines and books, which i haven’t been able to do in ages. and i’ve gotten a coupla freelance writing gigs, which is awesome (btw, lemme know if you wanna hire a writer—i know a really good one!), cuz i can put my mushy brain to use.

and thank god i’m pulling in a wee bit of cash cuz puds and i are going broke paying for our new nanny. well somebody’s gotta take care of lu while i’m chillaxin’ in the bed. but $15 an hour, or $135 a day, adds up fast. good thing alba’s worth every penny. she’s aah-mazing…i gotta dedicate a whole post to her.

it’s also helped that my friends have been popping over to visit. and uncle ty set up an awesome food train for us. i know, can you believe that d*pshit did something so super nice? so our friends have been coming over every night to drop off deelish dinners, and lu and i don’t have to gag back pudsie’s cooking anymore. phew.

but the best part is i get to order puddn’s ass around. since i don’t have a real bell, i just yell or text “riiiiiiing riiiiiiiiing riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing” and he comes a-runnin’ to fill up my water, make me some gluten-free cinnamon raisin toast, whip up a kale/spinach/banana/strawberry/flax smoothie, or open a window. and sometimes when i’m feeling mean, i make him come up here just to hand me a pillow (that’s right next to me) or just wave hi. weeeeee! hey, i gotta do something kinda fun, right?

hopefully i’ll be up and around soon. but ‘til then, send me your suggestions of fun sh*t i can do while sitting on my fatter and fatter ass! thank you! xo

AND check out my new bed rest 101 video on youtube!

want alvin to keep you company? he's pretty cool.
i'm making dinner since daddy's cooking blows butt.
how 'bout some plastic cake?
sit here, mama! i got a big cushion for your giant ass.
jesus christ, mom...would it kill you to put on some makeup?
look at the sweet outfit daddy dressed me in!


why the hell can't you pick me up? this is horsesh*t.
fine, i didn't want you to anyway.
is she faking this sh*t or what?
eh, who needs you...i have alba!
we're trying to watch a movie here.
what crib? i only sleep with my mama these days.
and i think she likes it more than i do.
did you really just ask me to rub your feet?

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This entry was posted in bedrest, curse words, cursing baby, f bombs, food train, gluten-free, husband, nanny, neurotic mom, new father, pregnancy, pregnant at 40, vacation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to stir crazy

  1. Ashlyn Bergman says:

    Downton Abbey is like CRACK! I usually don’t like show like that but I loved it! Definitely make more videos see if Lulu will participate.

    • Janet says:

      for real??? okay, i’ll have to watch it! i’ve heard it’s really good from so many people! and i’ll make more vids of lu, too. :)

  2. Annie says:

    Just watched your youtube video! And let me tell you, if I where anywhere close to the California area, me and my hellian would be knockin’ on your door to visit.

    So… I compiled a list for you. Fell free to disreguard! I’m on my 4th beer.

    Books: Confessions of a Scary Mommy, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, and anything by Tucker Max. I thought all of the above were VERY funny.

    Movies: Jolene, Boondock Saints, Almost Famous, and every season of WEEDS.

    Yeah, not much of a list, I’m just tryin to help a sister out.

    I’m sure bed rest ain’t easy! Good luck girlfriend :)

    PS You should totally write a book. I’d buy it.

    • Janet says:

      omg, annie! i’m such an ass for just replying to you! i’m so sorry. first of all, i love that you made a list for me while drinking your 4th beer. um, that’s awesome. and it’s a great list…i think we have the same taste. thanks! and you’d really buy my book? i’m actually thinking about starting one…oy.
      thanks again! :)

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