terrible almost twos

lulu had her first real, totally freakin’ crazy temper tantrum today. since my sweet stinky is usually so mellow and easy going (like her mom), up until now, i’d never worried the “terrible twos” were gonna strike. but now i realize my baby girl just might be possessed by a demon…

don't bother me while i'm chillaxin'.

when lu refused to fall asleep for her nap this afternoon, i kinda knew sh*t might hit the fan. but i had no idea just how hard it would splatter.

since i’ve been on this bed rest horsesh*t, stinks cuddles up with me every day for her nap. it’s always the same deal: she says, “mama, hold you,” and snuggles on top of or next to me and picks at a mole (or a zit) on my face to fall asleep. yah, i know it’s weird. my kid’s a weirdo. normal kids have lovey blankets…she has my face. but hey, at least the lil perv’s not tweaking my nipples anymore.

so today lu wouldn’t snooze for sh*t during the teensy window i’d blocked off for her nap. the prob is i’d booked plans the rest of the day for her. but she’s such a go-with-the-flow kinda kid, i figured “eh, she’ll be fine.” she’d just fall asleep a lot earlier tonight.

jesus christ, was i wrong.

lu was her cute self while my friend, cindy, and her lil boy, colby, hung out with us this afternoon. stinks even served colbs some appetizers she’d made in her play kitchen, which was totally adorable, and showed off her new skill: counting to 10 all by herself. she’s a great cook and a mathlete in training.

but as soon as colby was out the door, the demon came out in full force. and man, was she an asshole.

but lu had to hit up a birthday party next…my friend, kat, had even made a special trip to whole foods to get stinks a gluten-free cupcake. so she had to go. i got outta bed just long enough to wrap the presie, and as soon as lu spotted the melissa & doug “abby and emma” deluxe magnetic dress-up set, she wanted it herself. first she whined, saying “i want it, i want it.” then she cried. then she screamed. and then she went totally apesh*t.

puddn distracted the psycho beast while i wrapped the gift, and then they left, kicking and screaming, for the party; 3 minutes later, they were back. puds couldn’t take that monster anywhere…she was out of her f*cking mind.

so i laid down with the lil demon to try to calm her ass down, but she hit, scratched and kicked me. (on a side note: puddn better stop letting her watch that stupid UFC.) and i’m pretty sure she was foaming at the mouth. and then the screaming…omg, it was a possessed, maniacal, animal sound she’s never made—i’m still shocked the cops didn’t show up.

but the worst part is i didn’t videotape it or take any pics. what a dumbass. but i was drenched in sweat, trying to protect myself from this suddenly superhuman-strength baby…i swear she almost kicked my ass.

then just like that, the beast’s eyes rolled back into her head, she stopped flailing and reached for my face. omg, it was over. my sweet baby was back, holding me and trying to catch her breath in her sleep.

the whole freakin’ thing was crazy and scared the living sh*t outta me, and i hope it never happens again. but i have a little feeling we’re screwed.

hey, everything's cool if you just don't piss me off.you wouldn't like me when i'm angry.
hey, dad, you just try throwing the ball like that again.
i will break you.
hmmm...what can i do to make sure i get my way?
i call this face the "colt 45." cuz it works every time.
if not, there's always screaming.
look, just do as i say and nobody gets hurt here.
good thing my mom always has zits on her chin.
trust me, that b*tch can't stay mad at me.
look at me, i'm f*cking adorable.

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This entry was posted in bedrest, curse words, cursing baby, discipline baby, f bombs, first-time mom, husband, neurotic mom, new father, pregnancy, pregnant at 40, tantrums, terrible twos, toddler who curses and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to terrible almost twos

  1. Lena says:

    Yikes, sorry to hear that. We had a very similar episode with our 2 year old son over the weekend and trust me, it did scare the sh*t out of me. Found your blog through The Momsview and loving it!

    • Janet says:

      thanks so much…i’m glad you found me! glad we both survived our first tantrums…let’s hope there aren’t too many more in our future! :)

  2. susan says:

    She is f’ing adorable. And…I’ve been meaning to tell you forever that I saw her sweet face up in our H&M here in Toronto. It was a while back but I recognized her immediately.
    This post made me lol (again) since our Ava, who just turned two, had her first melt down last week! Kinda sorta the same reason. No nap and a present that wasn’t hers. So fun. Not.

    • Janet says:

      you did?!? awww, i never got to see her because she was only up in H&M stores in canada and europe. but thanks for letting me know! and i hope to god our kiddies aren’t turning into brats! well, yours can, but i hope mine doesn’t! ha! :)

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