the year without easter

i planned to host a fabulous easter brunch at our new place. the menu was set (gluten-free quiche, anyone?), lu had the perfect dress, and our yard was ready for the egg hunt and our new bubble machine. but of course, sh*t happens…and easter? well, it was cancelled…

should the easter bunny be givin' me the creeps?

god damnit. i just had more one thing to do: get a bunch of crap to put in the plastic jumbo eggs for the egg hunt. so lulu and i cruised over to party city and loaded up on rubber balls, slinkies, yo-yos, stickers and other dumb made-in-china, probably lead-filled junk that kids just love. what about candy, you ask? nope, no candy. maybe next year, but lu doesn’t even know what it is yet. i know, i’m mean, but tough titties, kid.

well apparently my stupid uterus didn’t like party city as much as lu and i did—cuz it had a meltdown afterward. the result? strict bed rest for another 2 weeks. ugh, jesus, i was only outta bed for 1 day. f*ck you, party city.

it sucks cuz i love easter: the bunnies, the flowers, the bonnets and all that crap. the one thing i despise: hard-boiled eggs. so i’ll dye eggs…oh i’ll dye the sh*t out of ‘em, but don’t expect me to eat ‘em. woof.

up until a few years ago, my dad still had an annual egg hunt for my sister, weezie, and me. but in the true spirit of easter, our eggs had cold, hard cash in them. my dad would stuff ‘em with money, from pennies (damn him) to dolla-bills (score!). and weez and i would trip over each other trying to stock up on quarters for laundry. isn’t that what every family does on easter?

i did take lulu to sit on the easter bunny’s lap last week. btw, what’s the point of it? are you supposed to ask the easter bunny for presies, like you do with santa? i actually asked the dude in line in front of us. his answer: “um, i’m a jew…i have no idea.” then he started asking me questions, like how a bunny is supposed to lay eggs. point is, he was a nice, jewish dad taking his catholic daughter to see the easter bunny. i’ll give you one guess where puddn was…yep, the golf course.

anyway, lu’s too dumb, oops, i mean, young, to understand the whole bunny business.  so we’re just gonna postpone easter for a coupla weeks…or whenever i can get outta this bed. that is, unless i go crazy first.

happy easter!!!  hope you got lots of money in your eggs!

jesus, why is the easter bunny restraining me?
find my happy place, find my happy place...
3 more seconds and this bunny gets punched in the nuts.
wtf, mom?!? why do ya gotta always embarrass me?!?
you finish making this ugly bag...i'm getting a f*ckin' balloon animal.
jesus christ, i'm actually having a staring contest with a clown.
omg, why can't i can't take my eyes off it?
can't. stop. staring.
is it me or does this balloon-animal bunny look more like a big donkey dick?
weeeeeee! i found my easter dress!
mama, get your ass off bed rest...look what dad dressed me in for easter.
tell me the truth, i look like an assh*le, don't i?
thank gawd karis came over to save easter since my parents suck.
hey, gimme some of those stinkin' eggs!
how'd that b*tch get all the eggs? poor stinky.

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This entry was posted in bedrest, curse words, cursing baby, easter, f bombs, f word, first-time mom, husband, neurotic mom, new house, pregnancy, pregnant at 40, toddler who curses and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to the year without easter

  1. Tish says:

    In Lulu’s defence, that clown is one messed up, freaky lookin MoFo. Also, I hope you’re feeling better real soon :)

    • Janet says:

      lollolooo!!! i knoooow! weird, right? i couldn’t believe they hired that clown to work with kids. half of them probably had nightmares! :)
      and thank you! xo

  2. Amanda says:

    Saved the quarters from the easter egg hunt for laundry.. were you egg hunting in college?! haha, doesn’t look like Lulu enjoyed the bunny too much, but I’m sure deep down she still had a great Easter :) feel better. that mattress is going to be permanently imprinted with your body shape soon !

    • Janet says:

      ha! um…we were egg huntin’ even past college. yes, our family’s weird. :) and lu didn’t crack a smile the entire time we were at the easter fun day…the lil jerk. so who knows if she had any fun. but thank you…i know, we’re gonna need a new mattress after this because it’ll totally be lopsided. uuugh! thanks for the note! xo

  3. Courtney says:

    OMG- I am laughing so hard at the comments underneath Lu’s photos. From that freaky clown to the phallic balloon- your captions are hilarious!! Thanks for laughs tonight- I needed that:) I am still laughing

    • Janet says:

      ha! glad you like them. i can just picture puddn’s grandmother reading the “donkey” caption. i’m sure she was even more horrified than usual! :) thanks for the comment! xo

  4. Sundevil says:

    Are you familiar with the Golden Egg and the Silver Egg? Want to know how to keep your children engaged in the Easter egg hunt at 39, 45, & 49? Find the old L’eggs stockings that come in gold & silver eggs. Gold $100 bill, Silver $50 and the rest denominations of 1s, 5′s 10′s, 20′s and susan b Anthony’s. Not a one of us has missed this pagan ritual in my lifetime…..keeps the family together and thats the point after all right??

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