cruel april fool

i was waiting all day for puddn to play a dumb joke on me. i figured he’d try to get me back for lying to him about the sex of the baby—then posting his ding-dong reaction on youtube. but it turns out this baby boy is the real prankster…his stupid joke landed our asses in the emergency room..

the face of relief...after 3 hours of crying.

it was about 6:15 tonight, and we’d just ordered a gluten-free pizza. all of a sudden, i felt a whoosh down there, and ran to the can. once again, there it was: blood. like a lot. not like a crime scene, but enough to freak out. my first thought was the baby was definitely a goner this time. my second thought was bright red really clashes with my florescent pink and yellow undies.

my doc told me to book it to ER. good thing milsie and sarge were here to watch lu (thanks again, guys!) on the way there, i couldn’t stop bawling. (i guess i stopped for a minute cuz i remember looking in the mirror and popping a big zit on my chin.) but even puddn, mr. insensitive himself, was crying his eyes out.

we didn’t have to wait long—i was in a gown and nurse wednesday was checking my vitals in no time. (btw, why is wednesday the only day of the week that’s a name?) then the doc came in to talk to us, but i stopped listening after he said “irregardless.” ugh. i mean, how can a doctor be such a dipsh*t? but the nurse called me “sugar lamb” and that made me feel better.

we just had to wait for the ultrasound. then the commotion started. there was a lot of yelling (and strangely enough, roaring) as a long-haired, naked guy was wheeled in, escorted by a gaggle of cops. they’d snagged him running up and down wilshire blvd., buck nekked and clearly hopped up on some crazy-ass drugs. seeing that was kinda awesome, ‘til the entire ER staff rushed to help his sorry ass and and made me wait. and wait and wait. f*ck that dude. and something tells me he didn’t even have his insurance card.

we also witnessed a trauma tech chat up the hot-pants granddaughter of an 91-year-old lady with a broken hip. i’m sure peeps were dying in the ER waiting for this idiot, while he was busy poppin’ a boner for 30 minutes, saying “no way, that’s hilaaarious” about 23 times. but in the end, he actually scored the chick’s number. man, it was straight cheese, but kinda genius.

if i’d gotten to eat that f*ckin’ pizza we ordered, i could’ve hung out all night. at least there was plenty of action to sorta keep us entertained while we were scared sh*tless. puddn even managed to blurt out a pervy “booyah” when a cute nurse bent over in front of us. at least i can count on him to be an idiot, even in a crisis situation.

finally i had the f*ckin’ ultrasound. i held my breath and prayed…and there he was, that damn baby, kickin’ around like a lil maniac. when the tech zoomed in on his face, i swear to gawd he was laughing at us. lil f*cker.

but he was still there, thank god. it’s a good thing cuz if not, i was planning to score whatever that naked dude was on. and it turns out i have placenta previa (the placenta is covering my cervix) and a subchorionic hemorrhage. i guess both of those things are pretty normal, but with a knocked-up geriatric, they become a lot more serious. so i’m back in the bed.

i have no idea what’ll happen tomorrow or the next day, but as for tonight, my baby boy’s still here. and for that i’m enormously thankful. i won’t even complain about going back on bed rest. well, at least not yet.

post ultrasound chillaxin'
mmm...yummy ice chips. the dinner of champions.
yes, i accessorized my hospital gown. duh.
poor puddn trying to smile...clearly before he perked up seeing the hot nurse's bohongus.
jesus, my lil bro's already a d*ckhead. i'm gonna get him when he comes out.
maybe i'll smash his punk ass.
how dare that lil f*cker scare my mama.
i'm going to the ER with you...i put my jacket on and everything!
whaddaya mean i can't go? wtf?
fine, i have to poop anyway.
eww, sub-what-ic hemorrhage? sounds f*cking disgusting.
jesus christ, even i know "irregardless" isn't a word.
wait a sec, everything's okay?!?
holy sh*t, that's awesome! weeeeeee!
oops, i take back what i said! i love my little brother!

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This entry was posted in bedrest, curse words, cursing baby, emergency room, f bombs, f word, first-time mom, gender reveal party, husband, neurotic mom, placenta previa, pregnancy, pregnant at 40, subchorionic hemorrhage, toddler who curses, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to cruel april fool

  1. Lisa (aka Weezie) says:

    Only you could put a spin on a trip to the ER and make it this hilarious. Thank goodness everythink is ok. Do you think if the tech zoomed in on his hands, that baby would be giving you the finger? Just kidding!! xoxoxox

  2. Evelyn Oliva says:

    So happy to hear all is well.

  3. Amy says:

    So glad you and baby boy are ok. How scary. The crazy sh&t that can happen is unreal.

  4. Magda says:

    I am so glad you are ok and your baby is fine too. I like the way you take such a worry and turn it into something funny. I am sure this kid will have a great sense of humor like you do. :P

  5. Amanda says:

    So thrilled everything is okay. I saw you on the mom’s view and came to your blog and read every single post, and even went to puddn’s to read his few posts. Bookmarked your blog !! I am a 20 year old college student and not a mother anytime soon but I adore how much you love (and suffocate) Lu!

    • Janet says:

      hi amanda! omg, you’re adorable! i’m so flattered you took the time to read all my old posts! (btw, sorry for the effed-up format in the older ones…it happened when i migrated from blogger to wordpress). anyway, yes, i adore and according to puddn, i totally suffocate her, but i can’t help it! actually, i’m on bed rest right now, so i let my in-laws take her for 2 nights. i miss her so much i can’t take it. i know…i have issues. :) thank you so much for your sweet note! i appreciate it! x

  6. Lilly says:

    Glad to hear everything is okay!! I just found your blog from “The Moms View” Your hilarious!! Ha love the captions below the pics and Lu is too cute. What type of camera do use?

    • Janet says:

      thanks so much! and of course i think lu’s the cutest kid ever, but i’m a little biased. :) my camera is a nikon D3000. it’s the bottom of the line “starter” camera from nikon. i’m not a great photographer, but it takes decent pics. thanks for your comment! :)

  7. Sarah says:

    Love your necklace with the gown…the only way to do it ;) Glad little bean is ok! And your daughter is adorable!!

    • Janet says:

      thank you! i’m glad he’s okay, too. now if i could just get outta this damn bed. uuuugh.
      and thanks…she’s the best! :)

  8. Irene says:

    Wow! So glad you and the baby are doing well. That was pretty scary. You are brave to let Lu go to your in-laws. I hate mine. The pics of Lu are awesome!

    • Janet says:

      i’m lucky…my in-laws are awesome. they’re actually keeping her for one more night. :( she’s having a blast and i’m on bed rest, so i’m letting her stay a lil longer (even though i miss her like crazy!).
      thanks! :)

  9. oh my goodness… so scary! glad to hear everything is ok. the captions on your daughters pics are priceless.

    • Janet says:

      thank you…i know, phew! but this bed rest thing sucks. :(
      and thanks, i love writing the captions–they’re my favorite part. :)

  10. Samara says:

    I saw you on the Moms View, I instantly paused it, and checked out your blog, I can honestly say you have really made my day. I miscarried last December, and been trying to conceive ever since… just not happening, but your stories made me giggle and the way you love Lu is amazing.
    And I cant wait for the new stories with this lil monkey! He sounds like he’s going to be a right terror :P

    Hope you are well!

    • Janet says:

      hi samara-
      i really must be hormonal because i totally teared up reading your note! i’m so happy i was able to make you smile and hopefully feel a little better about miscarrying. i’ve had 3…don’t worry, you’ll get knocked up. but don’t you hate when people tell you to just relax about it? yah, right! and yes, i’m sure i’ll have a lot more material with this new little dude…he’s already a troublemaker. i guess he’ll be a good balance to lu. puddn’s already saying i can’t smother the new baby like i do to her. ha!
      thanks again for your note!

  11. Cassie Smyth says:

    Congrats on everything being okay, I love your blog I literally laugh out loud everytime lu has a caption where she’s swearing like a sailor!

    • Janet says:

      ha! thanks! and those captions are gonna come back to haunt me…she’s already starting to talk like that! ooooops. :)

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