i was waiting all day for puddn to play a dumb joke on me. i figured he’d try to get me back for lying to him about the sex of the baby—then posting his ding-dong reaction on youtube. but it turns out this baby boy is the real prankster…his stupid joke landed our asses in the emergency room..
it was about 6:15 tonight, and we’d just ordered a gluten-free pizza. all of a sudden, i felt a whoosh down there, and ran to the can. once again, there it was: blood. like a lot. not like a crime scene, but enough to freak out. my first thought was the baby was definitely a goner this time. my second thought was bright red really clashes with my florescent pink and yellow undies.
my doc told me to book it to ER. good thing milsie and sarge were here to watch lu (thanks again, guys!) on the way there, i couldn’t stop bawling. (i guess i stopped for a minute cuz i remember looking in the mirror and popping a big zit on my chin.) but even puddn, mr. insensitive himself, was crying his eyes out.
we didn’t have to wait long—i was in a gown and nurse wednesday was checking my vitals in no time. (btw, why is wednesday the only day of the week that’s a name?) then the doc came in to talk to us, but i stopped listening after he said “irregardless.” ugh. i mean, how can a doctor be such a dipsh*t? but the nurse called me “sugar lamb” and that made me feel better.
we just had to wait for the ultrasound. then the commotion started. there was a lot of yelling (and strangely enough, roaring) as a long-haired, naked guy was wheeled in, escorted by a gaggle of cops. they’d snagged him running up and down wilshire blvd., buck nekked and clearly hopped up on some crazy-ass drugs. seeing that was kinda awesome, ‘til the entire ER staff rushed to help his sorry ass and and made me wait. and wait and wait. f*ck that dude. and something tells me he didn’t even have his insurance card.
we also witnessed a trauma tech chat up the hot-pants granddaughter of an 91-year-old lady with a broken hip. i’m sure peeps were dying in the ER waiting for this idiot, while he was busy poppin’ a boner for 30 minutes, saying “no way, that’s hilaaarious” about 23 times. but in the end, he actually scored the chick’s number. man, it was straight cheese, but kinda genius.
if i’d gotten to eat that f*ckin’ pizza we ordered, i could’ve hung out all night. at least there was plenty of action to sorta keep us entertained while we were scared sh*tless. puddn even managed to blurt out a pervy “booyah” when a cute nurse bent over in front of us. at least i can count on him to be an idiot, even in a crisis situation.
finally i had the f*ckin’ ultrasound. i held my breath and prayed…and there he was, that damn baby, kickin’ around like a lil maniac. when the tech zoomed in on his face, i swear to gawd he was laughing at us. lil f*cker.
but he was still there, thank god. it’s a good thing cuz if not, i was planning to score whatever that naked dude was on. and it turns out i have placenta previa (the placenta is covering my cervix) and a subchorionic hemorrhage. i guess both of those things are pretty normal, but with a knocked-up geriatric, they become a lot more serious. so i’m back in the bed.
i have no idea what’ll happen tomorrow or the next day, but as for tonight, my baby boy’s still here. and for that i’m enormously thankful. i won’t even complain about going back on bed rest. well, at least not yet.
and check out puddn’s new blog at www.mywifelies.com.