babysitters club

everybody knows i’m a lil (fine, a lot) obsessed with my stinky. and maaaybe i’m a wee bit paranoid to leave her with a babysitter. ever. yah, so? look, i can’t just trust anyone to watch my precious girl. well this bun in the oven must be making me nuts cuz i totally dumped sweet baby in the hands of a 9-year-old all weekend…

hey, mama, see ya...wouldn't wanna be ya!

puds, stinks and i cruised out to palm desert to hang with with his cousin brett and his fam. the second we got there, i drop-kicked lu on her ass and into the arms of elle, who’s 9. but jeez, she had adult supervision: her sister, alyssa. she’s 12 going on 24.

dear lord, it was genius. i sat on my fat, pregnant ass all day while those 2 adorable gals did everything for that kid. and i mean everything. i didn’t lift a f*cking finger for 48 hours. i was like, “uh, lu who?”

they were amazing. those 2 girlies taught lu some sweet dance routines, took her swimming, played putt-putt golf, and let the spoiled lil diva boss ‘em around. as for me? i chillaxed in the sun, listened to tunes, and gabbed about how much i hate that b*tch, courtney, on “the bachelor.” (seriously, how can ben pick that mean, horrible tramp?)

the only thing that could’ve made the sitch better would’ve been a marg on the rocks. or a few. goddamn babies ruin everything.

anyway, then i actually got to chug back dinner in peace while elle and alyssa dealt with lil messy marvin at the kids’ table…in the next room. it was awesome.

and the best part was i didn’t change one friggin’ diaper the entire weekend, not a pee, not a poop. aah, that part was glorious.

oh, and where was puddn the whole time, you ask? doing what he does best: playing mediocre golf, getting bombed, acting stupid, and yappin’ to anyone who’ll listen about our ridiculous, new hot tub. ugh, such an idiot.

i dunno who was sadder leaving the girls, lu or me. cuz lemme tell ya, she certainly didn’t give a sh*t about her mama the whole weekend. well sorry, stinks, no matter how much botox i stuff in my face to try to look 12, i’ll just never be that much fun.

"apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur...the whole club was lookin' at her..."
um, do these b*tches not realize i'm the beyonce here?
yes, this is more like it..."i'm sexy and i know it."
um, girls? one of you better get your ass over here and play with me. stat.


jeezus, could this outfit suck any worse? thanks a lot, mom. b*tch.
best. day. ever. weeeeee!
who is this man and why is he holding me?
omg, i know...the biebs is so totally hot.
okay, who's gonna be my caddy? i'm not carrying this sh*t myself.
okay, i totally got it. lemme do it myself.
ughhhh, damn sand traps!
things are gonna get ugly if i don't get some avocado.
maybe i'll poop while i wait.
"what? am i a clown? do i amuse you?"
ma, get lost...this is the cool kids' table.
all the singles ladies...
a girl could get used to this much attention.
wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...i work out.
somebody save me from these 2...please. anyone? bueller? poor stinky.

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This entry was posted in babysitters, babysitters club, first-time mom, frat dude, neurotic mom, new father, pregnancy, the bachelor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to babysitters club

  1. Nicole says:

    Ok, these blue moccasins crack me up! Where are they from? I need a pair for my wee one!!

    • Janet says:

      hey! i think messaged you on fb, right? but we got them at target…for like $3! i just ordered another pair for her in silver from totsy. that’s the only place i’ve been able to find them. no stores carry them anymore! good luck! :)

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