“Santa is Kind of an Asshole” by Lulu, 3 years old

This year I’m leaving broccoli for Santa instead of cookies. Why? Cuz he’s fat and eats too many cookies.

If you really think about it, Santa’s totes creepy. First of all, the seeing-you-when-you’re-sleeping-and-knowing-when-you’re-awake thing is totally skeevy. And why is it that he really only sees you when you’re being a little shit? If I share Minnie and Mickey with my little brother, eat all my veggies and go to sleep on time, Santa’s nowhere to be found—probably stuffing his fat face with cookies. But the second I give Wilson a teensy-weensy shove, suddenly Santa’s all over me—throwing my ass on the naughty list.

I swear my mom threatens me with “Santa’s watching” starting in the summer. So lemme get this straight…there’s an invisible set of eyes constantly monitoring me like Big Brother, and if I’m bad, I’m only gonna get coal and sticks for Christmas? Well that doesn’t sound like a very nice guy to me. That sounds a lot more like an a-hole. Am I right or am I right?

And what kinda creep shimmies down the chimney and sneaks into houses while people are sleeping? Where I’m from that’s called an intruder.

And let’s talk about his elves. First of all, I thought the politically correct term these days was “little people.” I bet you anything Santa doesn’t even pay those helpers minimum wage. This year he hired one to to sit on a shelf and watch me. Then at night, Cowgirl (that’s her name) flies back to the North Pole and tells her boss all the bad stuff I did all day. Hold up, I always thought being a tattletale wasn’t a good thing. That elf is nothing but a miniature snitch.

And don’t even get me started his outfit. I may only be three years old, but even I know an entirely red fuzzy suit with a matching hat is some really bad fashion. And the white fur…is that fox or mink? I can’t believe PETA’s never dumped blood all that get-up.

Okay, back to the cookies. My mom always tells me to eat sweets in moderation. So what up with this overweight dude who exists on cookies alone? Ever heard of heart disease, big guy? And you might wanna think about stepping on a treadmill. You’re not a spring chicken anymore.

And finally, the smoking! You know Santa smokes, right? What kind of example is sucking on a pipe for us kids? Ugh, what a chooch.

In closing, Santa kinda stinks in my opinion. But if you see him, tell him I want a baby doll with real hair in a blue dress and a toy bathtub for Christmas.

omg, i bet i'm on the freakin' naughty list now.
OMG, I bet I’m on the freakin’ naughty list now.
Oh man, I wonder if he knows what I said yet...
Oh man, I wonder if he knows what I said yet…
Santa, I was kidding!  You know I love you!
Santa, I was kidding! You know I love you!
HELP!  Santa's trying to choke me!
HELP! Santa’s trying to choke me!
Dude, come on, you're not even wearing red pants!
Dude, of course I’ve been a good girl all year…oyyyyy.
Okay, one last shot to woo over old Saint Nick. I can do this.
Okay, one last shot to woo over old Saint Nick. I can do this.
Don't forget, Santa Baby, I want a bathtub for my babydolls!  Weeeeee!
Don’t forget, Santa Baby, I want a bathtub for my babydolls! Weeeeee!

Posted in cursing baby, neurotic mom, toddler who curses, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

how bed rest is like prison…with perks

this time last year i was in the hospital on bed rest. oh man, it sucked. i cried, i whined, i complained, and i pretty much threatened the nurses and docs. like seriously. i was a caged animal. or a prisoner in solitary. but lemme tell ya, right about now, i’d do anything to have my ass right back there.

for the most part, bed rest really does blow butt. the days seem endless, and the weeks go by soooo freaking slowly. and sorry, cedars sinai, but the food is repulsive. you’d think a stinkin’ hospital of all places would serve healthy grub. but nope. it was just cheap stuff, full of chemicals, preservatives and crap i’d never touch on the outside—exactly what you wanna eat when you’re pregnant, right? ugh.

it’s kinda like prison, well, at least what i know about it from netflix. ‘cept in some ways i think it’s worse. fine, there are no maternity ward gangs or crazy bitches stabbing you or trying to eff you in the shower. but in prison, you can at least hang with your peeps. in the hospital, you’re stuck all alone in your hideous, depressing room (the wallpaper is even grey…what is that?) and it’s boring as shit, especially on the days you don’t have any visitors. let’s be honest, there are only so many hours of bravo you can watch ‘til you go a lil nuts.

ok, so you get the idea. but in hindsight, i also didn’t appreciate the time i had. yes, the glorious time. i was too busy missing my stinks and pissed at the damn parasite-baby inside me causing me so much trouble. and don’t even get me started on my placenta and its stupid previa-ness. good lord, i was a mess.

but a year later, i wanna get knocked up just so i can go back again. why? cuz bed rest kinda rocks, too:

you can catch up sleep. i swear, my skin hasn’t looked that good in years, and i hadn’t even had botox.

you remember it’s the little things in life that matter…like bathroom privileges. cuz using a bed pan isn’t as fun as you might think. or having a nurse wipe for you. on another note, those nurses don’t make nearly enough money.

you learn to love the great outdoors. if you’re lucky, you get wheelchair privileges, so visitors can wheel your ass to the courtyard for 1 hour a day. and you appreciate every damn minute.

the nurses are awesome. some will come by just to chat, watch “bachelorette” with you (when she’s still on the clock, oops), and make your day by saying you’re her favorite inmate, i mean patient. i’m still friends with a couple of them on facebook (hi jen!).

you can join online support groups and “meet” some pretty cool gals. they’ll also make you feel like an a-hole cuz they’ve been in the hospital slammer for 3 months longer than you have.

you can watch an entire season of “breaking bad” in one day and no one gives a shit. the same goes for reading “US weekly,” facebook-ing, pinterest-ing, words-with-friends-ing or any other time suck.

you don’t have to go to any kids’ birthday parties. or anywhere else for that matter.

after 3 days off your feet, your new varicose veins will miraculously and thankfully disappear.

there are no tantrums. well, ‘cept for maybe your own.

you’re waited on hand and foot. need water? boom. or a pillow? you got it. or a giant blood clot removed from your hoo-ha? done. and all with a smile.

you can ask your friends to bring you dark chocolate with truffles, carryout from cafe gratitude, mango with chili pepper, your favorite lip balm or anything your little heart desires, and they’ll do it. with flowers on top.

the baby screaming in the next room isn’t yours.

you don’t need to make dinner. or scrounge around to find something halfway decent to pack in your kid’s lunch.

your husband’s dipshit friends will surprisingly visit you solo and yap for 3 hours about girlfriend troubles. you’ll love ‘em forever for it.

you can be a lazy piece of shit. you obviously have the perfect excuse to not work out. hell, you can’t even get outta bed to poop.

there’s no annoying husband snoring next to you every night. there’s no annoying husband, period.

you can order gluten-free pizza every night and not feel too guilty about it.

2 words: mesh panties. maybe i’m crazy, but i love ‘em.

you don’t give a rat’s ass if you have a bad hair day. i’m pretty sure i went 13 days without washing mine.

and the best part is you can get a freaking amazing baby at the end of it. or you can get a lil a-hole like mine. juuuust kidding. omg, it was so worth it and then some, but i think for our next baby (pleeeeeease, puddn?!?!), i’m gonna try to keep my dumb placenta outta the hospital. but no matter what, i’ll still wear the mesh panties.

okay, maybe i could've used a little makeup.
okay, maybe i could’ve used a little makeup.
don't cry, mama...i don't miss you that much.
don’t cry, mama…we really don’t need you anymore.
i’m still your favorite baby, right?
jeez, ma, enough already.
i couldn't even pee without them monitoring me.
me and my sidekick.
you said what to the doctors?!?!
tell me again how they almost called security on your ass.
okay, leave me alone for an hour!
check out my sweet veins.
maybe i can squeeze the baby outta you!
even this dipshit brought me flowers...it was our anniversary, but stil.
even this dipshit brought me flowers…yes, it was our anniversary, but still.
i’m gonna take my mom for a long walk off a short pier.
ewwww, where’d your belly button go?!?
let’s see how fast this thing can go.
i toldja they were hot.
wait, where’s the front on these things?
our baby boy…pretty in pink.
is it me or does this kid look like a rodent?
did you get this guy a spray tan?!?
did you get this guy a spray tan?!?

Posted in baby model, bedrest, emergency room, fertility, first-time mom, gluten-free, husband, i love you, invitro fertilization, IVF, neurotic mom, obsessive compulsive, OCD, placenta: eating, pregnancy, pregnant at 40, vacation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

in defense of miley cyrus…sort of

i’m not a miley cyrus fan. let’s get that straight.


but dear god, i’m so sick of hearing about how horrible her stupid twerk performance was the other night. seriously, people, who cares? it was a genius PR stunt. is there anyone you know who wasn’t (or still isn’t) talking about it?

here’s the thing i don’t get. miley was blasted for wearing a nude ‘kini and wiggling her butt on stage. but doesn’t anyone realize she was just mimicking robyn thicke’s “blurred lines” video? have people not seen it? if you haven’t, google it right now. like right this instant.

i’ve especially heard (or read) so many dads totally trash miley for being crude and corrupting society and our daughters…blah blah blah. funny, i don’t see any of those dads judging thicke for hiring NAKED girls to dance around him (while he’s fully clothed, natch…hello, sexist) in the video, and i certainly haven’t heard anyone berating the naked girls (oh sorry, they’re actually wearing nude thongs and white sneakers). oh wait, that’s cuz every guy on earth—especially dads—thinks it’s the greatest video ever made. hmmm…hypocritical much?

i keep hearing peeps yappin’ about “poor billy ray cyrus.” well poor ol’ billy ray is probably laughing with his baby girl, twerking their asses all the way to the bank. hell, if someone offered me a shit-ton of cash to wear that outfit and shake my bohungus at the VMAs, i’d do a few butt crunches and start practicing my technique.

okay, maybe miley was dissing her disney days. so what? britney did the same stinkin’ thing. this isn’t anything new. like it or not, the gal’s gotta grow up. didn’t you rebel when you were young? cuz i sure did. my dad used to say i looked like i was “advertising” myself in my skimpy bodysuits and micro minis. the difference is the world is watching miley’s every move. she’s obviously an attention whore, but then again, so was i…and what other young starlet isn’t? she nailed (no pun intended) a genius PR stunt. no matter what you think of her, you gotta admit that.

another thing is everyone’s calling miley names. she’s a slut, a skank, a whore. but wait a second, isn’t she engaged? or maybe she’s not anymore; i have no idea. the point is, hasn’t she been with liam what’s-his-face for like, over 4 years? um, how is that slutty? i think that’s longer than i’ve been with puddn.

the way i see it, the stage is like the theater, and performers do just that…they perform. do you think lady gaga wears a raw meat dress while she’s sitting around at home watching “orange is the new black?” hell, maybe she does…what do i know? my point is that it’s acting. if some young actress had twerked her buns all over a dude in a movie, we wouldn’t bat an eye.

but i digress. look, the more parents complain about miley, the more the kids are gonna love her. that’s a fact. and guess who she cares about pleasing? sorry to break it to you, but it’s not you. miley probably wants you to hate her. cuz that means your daughter—and all her friends—are gonna love her. get it?

and twerking? come on, everyone loves a good booty shake. hell, my 3-year-old, lulu, twerks. that’s cuz it’s fun. i thought people loved it ‘til miley’s twerk heard ‘round the world. i bet the peeps who hate it probably just can’t do it.

to me, the most disgusting parts of miley’s stunt were her stupid hair and that dumb tongue-wagging. ew, what was that? now that was offensive.

anyway, i say let’s just move on…’til the next disney star decides to booty shake her innocence off.

i’m still not a miley fan. not at all. but damn it, “i can’t stop. and i won’t stop.” :)

omg, look at her tongue. she never even saw miley's performance!
omg, look at her tongue. she never even saw miley’s performance!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

lu’s big, fat purple party

after lu’s ginormous second birthday party last year, puddn and i pinky-swore we’d never do it again. soooo of course, i threw her a bigger, better one this year…

maybe i went a teensy bit overboard.
hey, ma, is this my bday party or a purple f*cking wedding?

jeez, i’m sorry if i wanna celebrate my one-and-only baby girl’s day of birth with a nice party. so sue me. puddn the killjoy wanted to invite 3 of her friends for a little playdate and call it a party. well frrrrrt on that.

so i told him to shut the f*ck up and i’d do it solo. i didn’t need him “helping” by buying red solo cups for a purple party anyway. so away i went.

since i love to punish myself, i decided the party was gonna be at our house—cuz hosting 30 kids is how i like to spend most sunday afternoons.

first, lu and i picked the most important thing: the theme. it was between a mermaid party and a purple party…and i figured buying a bunch of purple sh*t would be easier. dumbass.

step 2: driving myself to the brink of insanity. everything had to be frigging purple, duh: the decorations, the plates, napkins and cups, the food, the drinks and the favors, of course. i won’t even tell you how many hours (and how much freaking money) i spent. and don’t even get me started on the favors. i swear to you, i came this close to losing my mind because i refused to buy a bunch of plastic, made-in-china junk. it’s not easy to find eco-friendly stuff when you’re a cheapskate. plus, did i mention i had to buy 30?

then stinks started blabbing to the whole world that she was having a purple party: first her grandparents, then her teachers, then tim at the whole foods deli counter, then random strangers in the bathroom at target. she was so super-excited…so come on, i couldn’t just throw her a half-assed party, right?

so i hired, i mean i invited, sofia the first, the new cartoon princess on the disney junior channel. she’s like 8 years old max on the show, so i was a kinda worried about a 20-something chick in a purple gown claiming to be the pint-sized princess.

lu’s no dumbass; she took one look at adult sofia and was like, “umm, you’re a lot bigger than on TV.”  good thing i’d prepped the purple princess; she told stinks she’d grown up a little (or a lot) since the show. hook, line and sinker. lu was up her butt the whole time rshe was there.

sofia, these people are nuts…can you sneak me home in your carriage?

stinkers also totally believed when i pretended to call sofia and cancel the night before the party. god, i’m so mean. i’d been playing the sofia card for weeks like she was santa—“she’ll only come to the party if you’re good.”

well when stinks was being a raging a-hole, i left a message for my friend annie pretending like she was the princess: “i’m so sorry to cancel at the last minute, sofia, but lulu won’t go to bed. i hope you understand.” lemme tell ya, that kid was snoring about 3 minutes later. it was the best $200 an hour i’ve ever spent.

anyhoops, the party was awesome, and of course puddn whined and complained leading up to it…’til the dipsh*ts showed up and they started chugging beers. idiots.

i’m pretty sure everyone had fun, ‘cept for one older kid who got pissed at his mom for bringing him to a “stupid princess party.” it shut down early (10 pm) for one of our parties and this time, there were no skivvies left strewn in our yard. i guess i gotta throw parties on sunday from now on.

the most important thing was lu loved it and wanted to call sofia’s mama the next day to thank her for letting her come to the party. i mean, how sweet is this kid?

i’m already thinking about next year: a pool party with mermaids. hey, puddn, looks like we’re building a pool!

what this crazy-ass was doing at 2 am before the party.
she only iced 96 cupcakes.
the eco-friendly favors: shovels, rakes and seeds to plant! if you don’t think they’re awesome, my mom will punch you.
mama was obvi too cheap to recover the sofa cushions in purple.
enough pics…let’s get this party started!
hey, isaac, it’s not a green party, y’idiot.
can you draw
can you draw justin bieber?
um, isaac, quit staring at sofia’s rack.
it’s a purple party, sofia, not a giant red penis party.
jeez, couldn’t she have made it a purple weiner?
that big red dong is taking over my party!
damn, i lub me some cupcakes!
it’s gluten-free, sofia. shut up and eat it.
jesus, there’s that red dork again.
spoiled? who, moi?

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lil black swan

last sunday was one of the best days of my life. no, puddn didn’t get laser hair removal. it was lulu’s first ballet recital…

jesus, mom you're making me more nervous.
hey, ma, get your paws off me.

i swear to gawd it was the cutest damn thing i’ve ever seen. though it was a total blur of tutus through all the tears. as puddn the dick kept reminding me, i was an overly emotional crazy-ass mess.  but come on, can you blame me?

stinks has been taking ballet for a while now (she just started hip hop dance classes, too, but that’s a whooole other amazing story), and let’s be honest, for a long time, the kid sucked. like big time. while the rest of the class was dancing, i paid $25 every week for that lil sh*t to run back and forth, staring at herself in the mirror for 45 minutes.

but now you should see my lil ballerina in action…plie-ing, tondue-ing, chasse-ing and air-guitaring all over the damn place. yep, air guitar. how else are you gonna dance to “we built this city” (it was an ’80s recital, duh) without some strummin’?

so anyway, like everything else, i made a huge stinkin’ deal about her big show. the way i was acting, i’m pretty sure she thought she’d gotten the lead in “swan lake.” i invited the whole family…and believe it or not, the dipsh*t brothers actually showed up. hungover, yes, but they actually made it at 9 am. i know, what kinda dance recital starts at 9 am?

oy, i was a nervous wreck. i was so scared my lil marinks would get on stage in front of all those people and lose her sh*t—or worse yet, pee her tutu. i just wanted her to jump up there with no stage fright and have fun, ya know?

like the dope i am, i sucked down more starbucks than should be legal.  so then i had the caffeine shakes and sweats.  and about about 2 minutes before stinks went on stage, my shaky, sweaty, pudgy hands dropped my camera, and it smashed on the floor.  then i started bawling.  i swear, it would only happen to me.  of course puddn laughed.

when they called lu’s class—all 4 kids—she ran up there with no fear.  and she totally rocked it.  maybe she didn’t nail every step (um, she stopped dancing about halfway through the song, and then scratched her knee for about 20 seconds), but man, she had a ball.  and that’s really all that matters, right?  that, and how hard we laughed (at her).

but i’m pretty sure i created a monster.  stinks took her ribbon (“of dancing excellence”) to show off at school, and now she keeps asking when she’s gonna get to dance onstage again.  pour this kid some go-go juice, cuz here comes honey lulu! dear lord, just keep her off the pole.

hey, a lil makeup never hurts, right?  -dina lohan
a lil makeup never hurts, right?   -janet lohan
hold it together, sofia, i don't wanna slip in your barf.
hold it together, sofia, i don’t wanna slip in your barf.
is your mom as crazy as mine is?
omg, lulu’s mom is so embarrassing.
i'm electric!
i’m electric!
when my mom does this move, she pees herself.
when my mom does this move, she pees herself.
omg, i'm a f*ckin' STAR!
look at me, i’m a f*ckin’ STAR!
“marconi plays the mamba…listen to the radio.”  who knew those were the words???
my favorite move, TA-DAAAAA!!!!!
you were amazing! no, you were amazing!
“you were amazing!” “no, you were amazing!”
can someone give this guy some gum?
um, can someone give this guy some gum?
i might be 2, but i know carnations suck.
if the flowers are $5.99, take the price tag off.
hey, dad, if the flowers are $5.99, take the price tag off.
see you losers later!
see you losers later!

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Posted in baby model, cursing baby, f bombs, first-time mom, frat dude, husband, i love you, in-laws, neurotic mom, toddler who curses, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

ode to my dad

this is the first father’s day without my dad, and i gotta say it sucks. so i feel like yip-yapping a little about him and reminiscing about the good ‘ol days…


his name was manny, short for manuel. which is why i changed the baby’s name to wilson manuel. and yes, i know i’m crazy, but more on that in a later post.

anyway, my dad was born in 1929, and grew up super-duper poor in a teensy-weensy town in pennsylvania. his home life totally bit the big one, and as a kid, he had to work his ass off in coal mines to make money for his family, which had 12 kids. on another note, dear lord, can you imagine my grandmother’s va-jay-jay?

at 15 years old, he was too young to join the army, but that didn’t stop him. he changed the date on his birth certificate, ran away from home, and never looked back. when he got to the army, he was handed his first toothbrush—and had no clue what it was. he’d never, ever brushed his teeth…but you know what, i bet puddn’s breath after a night of partying is still worse.

he became a total perfectionist. years ago, my mom wanted new wallpaper in our kitchen, so he surprised her one day and hung it while she was out. he meticulously lined up the latticework and flowers exactly, and when he got home, he proudly showed off his handiwork. it was perfect alright, just upside down…with all the stems going up. which is how it stayed for the next 10 years.

he always wanted us kids to do well. before computers (jesus, did i just write that?), he’d type all my high school papers on the typewriter—even if he had to stay up all night to do it (man, i was a brat), and every year i had a rockin’ science fair project—cuz manny always took over.

then he taught me to drive drill-sergeant-style. he made me learn stick by taking me to a giant hill, and refused to go home ’til i got us up it (i cried). before my driving test, he made me practice parallel parking in a car with no power steering with cones about 6 feet closer than they should’ve been. after that, he claimed he turned me into “a pretty good driver—for a female.”

he was a great coach, too. all the girls always wanted to be on mr. manny’s softball team cuz he and my friend hope’s dad took us to baskin robbins after every game, whether we won or lost. btw, he had a raging sweet tooth—which i totally got from him. and so did lulu.

he loooved to dance. when we threw him an 80th birthday luncheon, he wanted a DJ.

he was super-organized (now why couldn’t i have inherited that?), and had a special drawer full of important papers, like his huge folder of dirty internet jokes.

he loved to play games, and his favorite nights were when we’d all sit around the table and play cards or board games…and he’d laugh watching weezie and i try to cheat.

he was stubborn as sh*t. for years his docs kept saying he was a goner, and somehow he’d always will himself to get better. i used to joke that he could just tell me to visit…he didn’t have to pretend to kick the bucket every time.

one of those times was when i got married. we didn’t know how much longer he’d be around, so i planned a wedding in 2 weeks, so he could walk me down the aisle. now i think he faked it just so i’d get hitched.

he was a total jokester. a few weeks before he died, he had major surgery. when he woke up, it was a tense moment when the docs asked him his name, where he was, the date and who the president is…all questions to make sure his brain was back in action. when they asked if he knew who my mom was, he looked at her and said in all seriousness, “i’ve never seen that woman before in my life.” then he started giggling.

he never complained. ever. like ever. even though the guy was in so much pain for years and years, he’d never let you know it. if you asked how he was, he’d just say, “well, i’m still here!”

he wasn’t afraid to be silly, and all kids adored him. it was weird how much kiddies loved him. and he was an awesome pop pop. stinks was his “lulubelle,” and she looooved him. god, i hope she’ll always remember the special bond those 2 had. (note to self: make one of those shutterfly books.)

he used to tell us that as a kid, he swore one day when he grew up, he’d give his own family the life he never had. and he sure did. my dad gave us everything—he was an honest, hardworking, easy-going, loving, generous, all-around great guy. and he was so proud of his family, his “pride and joy.” man, i’d get so embarrassed when he’d brag about us to someone when we were standing right there.

i miss my dad, and i wish he was still around to see my kids grow up. my biggest regret in life is not letting him meet our little manny sooner than the night before he died. i guess better late than never, right? (sigh.) but i will say it’s crazy how much the little guy looks just like his pop pop, right down to the sparkle in his eyes.

if your dad is still alive ‘n’ kickin’, please don’t forget to call him today. or better yet, go visit him.

happy father’s day!

Manny Military copy











DSC_0015 copy





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Posted in first-time mom, grandparents, husband, i love you, in-laws, neurotic mom, pregnancy, pregnant at 40, Uncategorized, wedding | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

say what!?!

the other day some girlfriends and i were yapping about embarrassing things kids blurt out in public. well last week, lulu yelled out something so bad i almost pooped my pants…

you know the comments i’m talking about. like when my friend’s toddler pointed at a lady and asked about the baby in her tummy. cute, but the prego wasn’t knocked up…oops. and we’ve all heard about kids asking a stranger the horrifying, “are you a lady or a man?” whoopsie.

was it something i said?
was it something i said?

so here’s the story about stinky’s shout-out:

we all flew to kansas city for our friends’ wedding. (side note: it was an epic, crazy, stupid, awesomely fun time…see pics below. i now wanna move to kc even more than ever.) after flying home, we were lined up butts to nuts waiting to exit the plane. lulu was standing in front of puddn, but when she turned around to face him—and i swear to god it was dead silent in that plane—she suddenly screamed out in that high-pitched kid-voice of hers:


the whole plane gasped and busted out laughing, i sh*t my pants a little, and among all “oh my god”s and “what did she say?”s, some lady hollered from the back of the plane, “out of the mouths of babes!”

it was clearly so wrong on so many obvious levels—yet somehow innocently adorable and hilarious. jesus, this kid is too much.

anyway, puddn brushed it off like no big thing (no pun intended), but i could tell he was totally cringing. for once i almost felt kinda sorry for the dipsh*t. but i did what any self-respecting mom would do in that situation: pretended like i didn’t know those 2 dopes. and then i laughed at them right along with all the rest of southwest flight #238.

i can’t wait to tell all stinky’s friends when she’s a teenager.

you get me a first-class seat or i'll show you embarrassing.
you get me a first-class seat or i’ll show you embarrassing.
no, they're not twins.
no, believe it or not, these 2 jokers aren’t twins.
this b*tch is the next one to get hitched...to the youngest dipsh*t.
this chick is the next one to get hitched…to my dipsh*t uncle ty. i know, what’s she thinking?
romance according to puddn.
my dad thinks this is romantic.
ain't nothing wrong with a lil #publicmakeout.
guess my mom thinks so, too. #gross
that blonde looks like a good time.  :)
i dunno about you, but that blonde looks like a good time.
invite me to your wedding...i will rock it.
looks like my mom had too many “cookies” again.
douchebags. 'nuff said.
douchebags. ’nuff said.
i smell a wardrobe malfunction.
i smell a wardrobe malfunction. dear lord, mom…wtf?
come on, we're still pretty cute.
they’re pretty cute, right? #not
some things just need to happen.
and my mom says i’m the embarrassing one.

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Posted in curse words, discipline baby, husband, i love you, neurotic mom, terrible twos, toddler who curses, vacation, wedding | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

en-rage-ment party

when you find random pairs of undies in your yard the next morning, you know you threw a pretty good party…

so puddn and i hosted an engagement soiree last saturdee night for one of the dipshit brothers, ty, and his betrothed, britta. before spiraling into drunk insanity, it actually started off as a civilized celebration.

don't ask...i have no freakin' clue.

puddn ordered a taco truck. i rented tables and chairs. britta and i made bouquets. i dumped the kiddies off at a friend’s house. and puddn went to costco and came home with the entire liquor department.

i knew we were in for trouble when my friend asked if her ‘sitter should stay ‘til 11 pm—and was that late enough. um, didn’t the invitation very clearly state the party was from 4:00 to 8:00 pm?


in reality, i knew from experience this group of ding-dongs would never leave at 8 pm. or 9 or 10 or 11. but the real prob was after a knocking back a few white wine spritzers, i demanded that everyone stay—all night. whoopsie. and the other prob was they listened.

btw, those friends with the ‘sitter went home to relieve her at 11, and brought their 8-month-old baby back to our place to keep raging. and you thought you knew how to party.

so anyway, the vino kept flowing…right into my glass. i guess that’s what happens when i’m the the one pouring it. obviously i got tanked, and so did puddn. duh. i think it was just past midnight when we put on a makeout show for everyone. jesus.

then clothes flew off as folks hopped in the hot tub. and then we started dancing like idiots. the neighbors must’ve liked puddn’s music mix cuz i kept waiting for the cops to bust us…a bunch of over-served parents in their 30s and 40s. oh yah, and an 8-month-old baby.

i finally threw everyone out just before 2 am, to screams of “fuck you, janz!” and “suck it, janz, we’re staying!” all i have to say is thank god for uber car service.

cut to sunday morning: most moms spend mother’s day morning enjoying breakfast in bed or having a lovely brunch with their families. me? i had my head in the toilet. lulu said, “mommy got sick cuz she ate too many cookies.” man, those sauv blanc cookies will kill ya.

next weekend…party at our place!

i toldja it was civilized.
i toldja it was civilized.
oh the things this hot tub would see...
dontcha wanna rip your clothes off and jump in?
the stupid happy couple
the stupid happy couple
i dunno what's happening here, but check out puddn's yellow pants!
an idiot in yellow pants
before things started to spiral...
before things got ugly
things started to get fugly...
yep, i actually posted this pic of myself.
photo bomb!
photo bomb courtesy of sheehy
i wonder how many of those pasty-white douchebags peed in our hot tub.
britta going to second base.
that butt’s not hairy enough to be puddn’s.
yes, of course our outfits matched.
hey dad, i think he’s gonna pork her.

525222_10151442652194779_1476001448_n he scared me, too.

’nuff said.

schmother’s day

here’s what i know about my mother’s day: it’s probably gonna bite the big one. how do i know? well, if it’s anything like the past two years, puddn will just say, “what, you’re not my mother” and i’ll get bupkiss. i know, i’m the luckiest gal ever.

i have two kids. i pushed lulu outta my va-jay-jay after 26 hours of labor, and for wilson, i was sliced and diced open after nine months of bed rest, my insides removed (along with the baby), and then stuffed back in. so you know what? i deserve a fucking mother’s day present.

but here’s a new idea: screw the present. what i really want is to spend mother’s day alone. seriously. 24 hours all by myself. just me, myself and i. does that make me some kinda mom-asshole-sociopath? probably. so sue me.

dude, why is our mom such a bitch?
dude, why is our mom such a bitch?

but really, i’m sure sunday will be great. puddn and the kids will probably take me to a nice brunch. i mean, i won’t be able to eat cuz i’ll have to hold one of the kids on my lap, stop another from screaming, get oj spilled down the front of me, walk around the restaurant 52 times, and clean up a pee accident, but i’m sure it’ll be awesome. yaay, me!

so seriously, why can’t i just be left alone on my special day? on mother’s day, moms should all get a well-deserved break from their families. i’m not talking for a week…just one measly, stinkin’ day. then our families would really appreciate what we moms do. am i right or am i right?

dear god, i can picture it now: no tantrums, no kid shitting on the floor (that happened today), no one peeing on my sofa, no wiping snotty noses, no watching fucking “caillou,” no stupid “bubble song” on repeat in the car, no kids hogging the bed, no one biting my nipples (that’s actually not as fun as it sounds), no pumping milk outta my boobs, no timeouts, no threats of timeouts, no telling someone to stop biting her brother, and no cheering like a lunatic when somebody pees on the damn potty.

nope, none of that horseshit. just me. all alone. oh sweet jesus, it would be glorious.

what would i do? i have no idea. and who the fuck cares? i mean, the other day i nursed the baby while i was on the can. yes, you heard me. on. the. can. oh i know, it’s disgusting…but what would you do with a screaming, crying, maniacal baby? you’d lean your bare ass over on the pot, pick up that baby and slap him on your boob, too. anyway, the point is i’d like to be able to have two minutes to myself. just two. is that too much to ask?

so back to mother’s day. i love love love my kiddies. most people accuse me of being too obsessed with them, and i probably am. and puddn’s okay, too…at least most of the time. but if there’s a day to celebrate lil ol’ me, shaddap and let me celebrate the way i wanna. i mean, jeez.

or if you insist, fine, just take me to brunch and give me a really, really, REALLY expensive present. with a receipt.

happy mother’s day! xo

come on, do we look like trouble to you?
come on, do we look like trouble to you?
she acts like a martyr...um, look who's making dinner tonight!
my mom acts like a martyr…um, look who’s making dinner tonight.
please, i do all the work around here.
please, i do all the work around here.
fine, i pissed on the floor, but look who's cleaning it up.
yes, i pissed on the floor, but she’s making me clean it up!
what other 2-year-old's gotta do this shit?
what other 2-year-old’s gotta do this shit?
what? do i have something on my face?
what? do i have something on my face?
well jeez, i thought she liked me.
well jeez, i thought she liked me.
mom, you hurt my fucking feelings!
mom, you hurt my freaking feelings!
hey, ma, let's ditch this lil guy and go get bombed!
hey wait, let’s ditch this lil guy and go get bombed!
i'm gonna bring my baby, cool?
i’m gonna bring my baby, cool?
hey, wtf? let's do this already.
hey, wtf? let’s do this already.
dad, are you gonna pull this shit on father's day?
um, dad, are you gonna pull this shit on father’s day?


happy mother's day to meeeeee!
happy mother’s day to meeeeee!

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Posted in bedrest, breastfeeding, breastmilk, f bombs, first-time mom, frat dude, husband, i love you, neurotic mom, new father, nipples, nursing, sick baby, tantrums, terrible twos | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

drunk mommy

the other night i did something i hadn’t done in years: i got totally f*cking bombed. and good god, i loved it.

chug-a-f*ckin'-lug, y'all.

you might be thinking, “big whoop,” but for me it was kind of a big deal. see, i’ve maybe had a few measly sips of booze in the past 3 years. puddn still yaps about the last time he had any fun with me—12 freakin’ months ago when we were sh*tfaced in nyc. so basically, we were due for a good time.

still, i really didn’t mean for it to happen. but the in-laws, mooshie and sarge, were in town watching our lil a-holes, so i knew the kids were in mediocre hands (booyah, moosh).

puddn was giddy as a schoolgirl when i actually agreed to go out, so he called the dipsh*ts and a few other idiots to go to dinner. as we cruised out the door, i told moosh, “i’ll probably just have a glass or 2 of vino, leave puddn’s drunk ass at the bar, and be home in a coupla hours.”


when we showed up at dinner, everyone cheered like it was my freakin’ coming-out party and demanded that i get drunk. holy peer pressure. so i ordered a sauvignon blanc. that lasted about 3.2 minutes. puddn ordered me another. then another. and then i morphed into the loudmouthed drunk girl at the bar. but according to puddn, i was totally on fire…this is what he wrote on his facebook page that night:

“tonight janz and i went out for the first time since having ridge. my wife is the funniest person i know…and she reminded me this evening why i love her so.”

cute, right? i know, it’s definitely not like that d*ckhead to say or write anything nice about me. in fact, a few of his dumb friends (yes, you, sheehy) assumed i’d hacked his facebook account and written it myself. well, jerks, i didn’t. maybe i was just that f*cking fun.

but let’s be honest here, that fb post was also kinda annoying. i mean, why does it take me going out and getting completely wasted for my husband to remember why he loves me? i mean, what is that? i’ll tell you what: it’s insulting.

okay fine, maybe i’m a boring stick in the mud these days—and not exactly the fun-loving party animal puds fell in love with. but come on, how am i supposed to be a binge-drinking maniac when i’ve got 2 kids now? gimme a break, nell carter.

anyway, puddn dragged my drunk ass outta the bar at 11. thank gawd cuz i would’ve stayed out all night…knocking back vino, showing pics of my kids to random strangers, and ogling young guys like the creepy, old cougar i am.

when we got home, i started pumpimg (to pump and dump, duh) but passed out on the sofa and woke up to milk overflowing everywhere. ugh, whoever said, “don’t cry over spilled milk,” was clearly an idiot.

next thing i know it was 9 am and i had a raging hangover. clearly the craziest thing that happened was that puddn took care of baby ridgey all night. but it’s a good thing cuz i can’t wait to do it again! who’s with me?


that's a lotta dirty brown hair.
look at gunnar.
then things got ugly.
again, look at gunnar (and not at my saggy boobs).
sorry, ladies, he's taken!
freakin' father of the year!?!
ugh, why do we have kids right now?
lulu can babysit, right?
why does my mom look so hideous this morning?
jesus, you're hungover? that's it, i'm calling child services.
omg, did i just hear the word "percocet???'
here, drunky, use my boo-boo buddy.
this helps me when i'm hungover.
hey, ridgey, looks like we can do whatever the f*ck we want today.
don't worry, mom, i've got this sh*t covered.
at least i can still look hot with a hangover.


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Posted in breast milk, breast pump, breastmilk, cursing baby, f bombs, grandparents, husband, i love you, in-laws, neurotic mom, new father, nursing, toddler who curses | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments